As of November 5th I am officially 25 years old! It is really strange to think about that, and even stranger to think how close 25 is to 30! When I was a kid (like 8 or 9?) that was one of the first times I thought about what 'old' was, and at that time I thought 30. Shortly there after my 'old' changed to more like 65ish, but for a time I couldn't imagine being 30!
I am not afraid of death (in fact I somewhat look forward to death because death means being with Jesus, in heaven and reunion with loved ones), so getting older doesn't scare me; I'm not afraid of or embarrassed by 'old people', thanks to some amazing grandparents and the example of my parents I know there is still great purpose for the older generation and I will not become obsolete as I age. Because of the above mentioned people I also know you don't become less beautiful as you age, wrinkles and gray hair are part of living life to the fullest, part of worrying over loved ones, giving your best and lots of smiles, because of that I am not ashamed of the tiny signs of age that are becoming visible in myself (though I know most don't see them).
What I am worried about as I reach this mile marker of an age is how little time it seems I have left and how much yet I want to do. I know that by God's grace I still have many years ahead of me, but there's a lot I want to do in that time and I get anxious thinking about how to get it all done. I want to be a Mom, and in spite of many peoples reassurances that I have plenty of time for that I already feel behind (my 'plan', yes I know God's laughing, was to get married by 22 and start having babies at 24... that's not what's happening!), and the more I've contemplated that particular plan the bigger the number of children I want gets! I want to homeschool those children, I know there are possibly some schools that I might consider sending them to, but deep down I want to be the one teaching them and choosing their curriculum. Don't get me started on the books I want to read and the places I want to see/spend time at. I want to get out of debt and stay that way as best as possible... and save up enough money to leave our kids so they might not have as much need for debt. I want to grow as much of our own food as I can, and maybe even market some at a farmer's market someday. I want to educate other people along the way, about where their food comes from and about the Creator who dreamed it all up in the first place. I want to scrapbook, sew, learn to knit, learn to make a souffle, raise some orchids, walk the Highline again, ride my horse, continue to deepen my relationship with my husband and many, many more things! How does one fit a full life into 75-80 short years?
My answer thus far is to redeem the time as much as possible, of course I will never accomplish all I desire to do but that doesn't mean I stop trying. Another answer that came as I was thinking about this was to do everything to the glory of the Lord. I know as Christians we hear this often and feel weighed down by it, but we miss the benefit of such a choice when we focus on that. During the days when I was struggling with being in Florida I tried working as though I was doing my tasks for the Lord rather than for UF. Those times my work was higher quality, I got done faster and then had time to do more leisurely things, or at least non-school things. These fears of not having enough time reinforce the observation made by C.S. Lewis, that we were not made for this world, our hearts long for more permanent place, a place just like heaven, where we have time eternal and all that is good does not fade away. My final consolation for my fears about the short time we are given is that once in heaven we have all eternity to learn and grow closer to the Lord, and it is my personal conviction that that includes learning about His creation and the wonderful ways He provided for us in the past!
Ultimate lesson from this birthday?
"See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil." ~Ephesian 5:15-16
girl, you know i understand the plan and list issues!! can't wait to see you so we can talk about this, and maybe knock a few things off the list too...knitting and a souffle maybe??
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