A Hard Truth for the New Year

So this is the time of year for reflecting on the past and planning for the future, a time for assessment of where we have been, resolutions and renewed determinations.  As you well know this last year has involved a lot of changes and growth for me and my family, and while I like to think I've done well through all of this, genuine evaluation shows me lacking in several ways that I hope to change through God's grace.

When the Lord called us to Florida I obeyed, but not really willingly or happily.  I think I kept hoping that this was going to be temporary, that like the story of Abraham and Isac God would change his mind and open a different path.  But that never happened.  Quite the opposite, we have had multiple affirmations that this is where God wants us right now.  Instead of soothing my spirit this actually made me angry with God for a time.  In spite of all the blessings and provisions and conformations, I did NOT want to be in Florida, and I was angry at God for making me stay.  I always suppressed these feelings and didn't even acknowledge that I was feeling this way until shortly after we got back to Florida and it all came pouring out while I was talking with Chris about how hard it was to leave the family and come back to the intense schedule of school.  I felt awful when I realized what was going on in my heart and the pride and rebellion I was finding there.  What a lot of it boiled down to was I didn't think God had our best in mind, that I knew better than Him but He just wasn't listening.  So one long, hard night I poured it all out to the Lord, I explained every little thing I was mad about and confessed my pride and fear.  It was exhausting and my amazing husband helped me get through. 

After all that as I looked back over the last few months I could see how that hidden resentment had been coloring my life.  I have been enduring, or surviving my time here instead of finding contentment and joy where God had placed me.  I haven't been giving my best to my projects, school or new relationships.  I've been withholding my heart from being too connected to this place or the people here, always lamenting in my heart how much better life would be were we somewhere else. 

I know its ugly, but I tell you all of this so you can understand why I am making the commitments I am for this next year, why they are hard for me and so that maybe you can keep me accountable and encourage me along the way.  I know I cannot do the things I desire through my own strength, that it is going to be an act of God through me, but I also know that I have a role in this process and I have to submit to His work in my life.

James 1:2-3 says "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance."  I didn't used to think this verse applied to my life because I thought in order to count as trials you had to go through something extreme like cancer or severe persecution.  You know trials with a capital T.  As I work through this issue of being content where God has put me however, I see a broader application of the word 'trials'.  Trials can happen in the everyday, seemingly mundane choices we make.  Do I snap at my spouse or do I use kind words?  Do I bemoan my lot in life or do I roll up my sleeves and work cheerfully?  Do I despair or get angry when my school schedule has to change, or do I accept it graciously and plan as best as I can around it?  Do I focus on the negative in my day or look for the positives and gifts the Lord sends my way?  Do I watch that program that I know can make me discontent or steal my time?  You don't have to be a Christian in a Muslim country to have your faith tested, trials come to us on a daily basis and it is these smaller trials that prepare us for the capital T trials.

So with all this in mind I have several big goals for myself in the coming year.  Yes I do have a few of the typical weight and lifestyle goals, but they have been overshadowed in the last week by my renewed awareness of this area of my life that is in much more need of renovation. As it turns out Philippians may be my theme book in 2011!

Goal # 1 - Renewed joy in my life.  "Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say Rejoice!" Phil. 4:4  I know we all know this verse but it really hit me the other day that somewhere along the line I have lost most of my joy.  I have allowed my joy to depend on my circumstances, so it has not been a secure joy.  I want this verse to be true in my life that I can always rejoice in the Lord.

Goal # 2 - Contentment in where God places me.  "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in."  Phil. 4:11  So this sort of connects to the previous goal with some modifications.  I have struggled with contentment on various levels for quite some time.  I want to be content wherever the Lord leads me, and with whatever circumstances that involves, and for now that is Florida.

Goal # 3 - Allowing the peace of God to fill me and letting go of my fears/worry.  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7  I love to plan, but my planning often leads to worry, stress and fear.  I don't want my life to be defined by these things!  I should find peace and rest in where God has brought us and the fact that He has it all under control, instead of freaking out that my life isn't going how I thought it would.  Being peaceful for me is going to mean a lot of letting go and trusting the Lord for what He will do in my future (yeah it does all seem to funnel back to trust again, you'd think I'd have learned this lesson by now right?).

Those are my three heavy goals for the next year.  I covet your prayers as I move forward in anticipation of what God will do in my life as He continues to mold and make me.