Reflections on Four Weeks of Mommy-hood

I lament how bitterly behind I feel in my blogging! I want to partially use this as a record of our lives as well as a way to keep you all updated on life here in Florida - and these first four weeks have flown without me posting much at all!  

So while I am behind I can't miss this momentous occasion - our baby is one month old!!!

I am continually amazed at our baby, despite long nights and a steep learning curve, my awe is new each morning when I greet our little man.

Many of you remember when we were working through our crazy-scary-earth-shaking decision about a year and a half ago.  When we finally made the decision to stop using the pill and trust the Lord more with the size and timing of our family I was terrified.  Don't get me wrong, I felt very convicted that this was the correct decision for our family and that where the Lord leads he will provide - but I was still scared out of my mind!  How many would the Lord send? When would He send them?  We can barely feed ourselves, how are we going to care for someone else?  Would I be a good Mom to more than one child?  What would it mean for my PhD if we got pregnant while still in Florida?  What if He didn't send us any?  These and many more questions danced across my mind in rapid succession many, many times before and during our pregnancy.  In my lower moments I succumbed to fear and worry, but in my better moments I was able to turn back to, and lean on, the promises that led us here in the first place.  Namely, "Children are a blessing", "Where the Lord leads He will provide", "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."  

One of the hardest fears to defeat was, "Lord, what if you send us too many (to care for, to love, just plain too many)?"  I can honestly say, now that I have Eb in my arms, that fear has been completely demolished, and replaced with, "Lord, what if you don't send more?"

Being a mother has to be the most thrilling and sobering thing I have ever experienced.  It is a thrill to know that God creative spirit worked through my husband and I to form a whole new, completely unique soul!  He has trusted us with this little man, with his safety, training and growth.  I mean how cool is that!?!? The Lord trusts me of all people to raise this precious little person!  Add to that the wonder I feel at how perfectly Eb has been formed, down to his tiny finger nails.  That while this forming happened inside of me it was simultaneously independent of me, it is so amazing that I was allowed to physically be a vessel for God's handiwork.  The thrills continues daily as I watch Eb change and grow, anticipating the man he is going to become and delighting in every little coo and move.

These thrills are balanced with more sobering facts about motherhood.  God has trusted me, me, to raise and guide this baby into manhood.  I know it is only by God's grace that any one of us follows His heart and will - but that doesn't excuse me from the responsibility of actively and carefully parenting our boy and trying to guide Him in God's paths.  Chris and I do need to provide for his health and safety - his life is literally in our hands.  During these first few weeks I can't count how many times I have held my breath in the night to try and hear him breathe, or gotten up to check how warm he was.  I have never been so captivated by poo and pee!  Eb is going to be watching Chris and I as he grows up and, as we all know, children learn so much more from example than they do from spoken words.  This fact has made me so aware of what I am doing - and not doing.  While impressing on me how much I need to work on, it has also renewed my motivation to follow hard after God.  It is sobering to think of how fragile Eb's life is - each moment spent with him is an immense blessing.  The fact that he is a gift, that God is loaning me these moments, never leaves my mind and fills me with inexpressible gratitude.


I have a brand new appreciation for my parents and their love for my siblings and I.  I also have a new understanding of the Lord's love for us.  He is time and time again referenced as a father to us and we His children.  When I got married I wondered why the relationship of man and wife wasn't used more to represent God's love for us since it was the deepest love I had experienced - and, while having Eb has not diminished the love I feel for Chris (indeed, it has given that love whole new dimensions), it has introduced me to a whole new love that I simply could not comprehend before.  The parental love, the love of a mother.  It is so new, deep and wonderful that it is often overwhelming.  It brings tears to my eyes now that I can finally, fully, understand how I am loved - both by my parents and by the Lord.  It also shows me the depth of God's sacrifice when He offered His son, His only son, for me.

One thing above all that has been impressed on me during these weeks is how dependent I am on the Lord.  Obviously, I have always been dependent on Him, but being thrust into the role of "Mommy" shines a spotlight on that fact like nothing I've ever experienced.  Without His grace, I won't be able to raise my boy and reflect the light of Christ into His life.  Without His grace, I won't be able to keep my cool when he drags mud and assorted creatures into our house.  Without His grace, we won't be able to keep him fed, clothed and (somewhat) clean.  Without His grace, we won't be able to educate and direct him in the paths we see the Lord leading him to.  But, above all, without His grace, I would not have this beautiful baby boy.  Even though its only been four weeks, my life has been irrevocably changed, my heart marvelously knitted to this little life, and I can't imagine a future without our son.

In short, Mommy-hood has exhausted, scared and thrilled me like nothing I have ever experienced before - but in four short weeks I have also experienced more joy and gratitude than I imagined possible.  I cannot think of any greater gift.