When I got pregnant I really thought I could finish the PhD. I only would have two year left and only two classes, so most of that time would be research and writing - shouldn't be a problem, right? Well that plan hinged heavily on me being able to have Eb with me most of the time. I knew I couldn't have him in the lab because of policy and chemicals, but I thought I could have him in the field with me. Over the last few weeks it has become apparent that isn't technically allowed, and my adviser is not okay with it.
So a cross road presented itself to us. Start pumping and seek 'alternative care' for Ebenezer so I can spend the amount of time I would need to in the field and Chris can do his internship or... quit. It wasn't quite that straight forward at first, but that is what it came down to.
Chris and I have always felt passionately that it is our responsibility from God to train and raise our children - personally. We don't feel like we can fulfill that responsibility by placing our children under the care and authority of others. So daycare was out of the question, even if we could afford it. Chris needs to continue on to his internship if he is to graduate in a timely manner, so he would not be available for the amount of time I would need to be occupied.
So, we decided it was time to quit.
This isn't as traumatic for me as you might think. It has actually been an extreme relief. I have felt torn between the full time responsibility of the PhD and the full time responsibility of being a Mom and wife since I knew I was pregnant. There has been tension between these two for months and it multiplied exponentially after Eb was born. I wasn't keeping up with my one class and I wasn't getting the necessities done with the project. What little I was doing took time away from Eb that I didn't want to give, and the whole aura of the PhD tainted the time I did have with him with stress and guilt. I was beyond tired of that tension, and quite honestly my loyalties had moved from this program to Ebenezer long before I saw his face.
Some things that have further eased this decision are the conditions I came here under, the assumption I have always tried to have about the PhD and some things that just didn't go as planned with the project. This was a job to me, not something that I had to, or really wanted to, commit my whole life to. It was a blessing that God provided a way to provide for us that I found very interesting and gave Chris the time he needed to work on his Masters. I have always held it loosely while still trying to do an excellent job. I planned to complete it if nothing better came along - fortunately for me something better has come along! Some things in my project haven't gone as planned which has kept me from being as endeared to it as I could have been - I came on the assumption that I would at least be able to incorporate organic research into this and was never able to. Additionally, the load continues to get heavier and heavier as my adviser added things that were of interest to her and chucked my interests out the window. Finally, as you all know, my dream has always been to be a wife and Mom, and Chris and I agreed if the PhD interfered with that, it was disposable.
Now that there is a conflict between the two the time has come to cut our losses and dispose of what isn't necessary - me becoming a doctor.
I had a lot of fear in this decision (Surprised?). Not for my personal goals or desires, I am thrilled that I finally get my heart's desire! No my fear involved much more tangible things, anger from my adviser, disapproval and misunderstanding from other and finances. There was the possibility that I would have to pay back all of the aid I had received so far (well over $60,000 including tuition waivers). But God has been faithful and tangibly confirmed to us that this is a good path (why am I surprised?)! Not only will I not have to pay anything back (except loans of course) but I will continue to get paid to the end of term, with less responsibility, my adviser took the news beautifully, so has everyone else, we already have a place lined up to live back in Indiana and Chris found a new internship within a week of calling around!
While I am going to miss the church family and friends we have made here, I am beyond excited to move back to familiar ground and start this new chapter of life!
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