What is a man?

Thanks to the efforts of hyper-feminism our culture is in an identity crisis. We are no longer sure the meaning of one of every individual's most basic traits, their gender. I was recently corrected when I expressed excitement over the upcoming discover of our new baby's gender. Gender, I was told, wasn't determined for most people until they reached their teens years. I must have meant sex, not gender. For, you see, sex is merely the physical anatomy we are born with, gender is those traits associated with masculinity or femininity - which do not necessarily correspond with sex in our culture.

This has resulted in a generation of man-cubs. Adult males who do not have a clue what it means to be a real man. They are content to allow their parents to care for them well into adulthood, afraid of commitment and responsibility, afraid to express masculinity lest they be accused of being a chauvinistic pig, directionless, ambition deficit, and general still acting like boys. Not men. These man-cubs have been told all those things we used to associate with manhood (supporting a family, taking responsibility, caring for women and those weaker than them) are not only outdated but oppressive and dangerous. But while we don't want you to be a man we really don't want you to be a woman either. What's a guy to do? Ask his Dad?

The fathers of many of these young men saw their responsibility primarily as one of provision. They were under the impression if they kept food on the table, a roof over head and paid for a decent education their job was complete. They missed mentoring their sons about responsibility, how to care for others, how to treat women, taking pride in the quality of their work, integrity and self control. Some of these Dads even saw their families as a burden, an obstical they had to overcome to achieve what they really wanted, time on the golf course, a boat, vacation or that new car. This may have been unconscious but manifests itself in how they choose to spend the majority of their time in retirement. Are they continuing to invest in their family? Or are they constantly gone, keeping busy with the next great entertainment?

So, as a young man trying to go against feminist society, but without support from his father, how do you learn to raise your own son into manhood? And what does manhood even mean? How do you even become a man? Is it a certain age? A certain act or accomplishment?

Searching scripture will answer many of these questions of what qualities a man should have. While it may be difficult to convey and teach these without experiencing such teaching first hand, at least there is a blueprint of God's original plan.

But how about that transition into manhood? What does that look like? That has been a recent question in our Bible study where all of the families have boys. In answer we are working our way through the book Boy's Passage, Man's Journey by Brian Moliter. This book sources one of the struggles of young men's identity in not having a defining moment they can point to as the day they became a man. In our culture where manhood is devalued it is naturally not something we celebrate or a passage we would acknowledge. While addressing other needs including lifelong mentoring and words of blessing, Moliter suggests reintroducing rights of passage into our you g men's lives. A time they can remember and identify as their transition from boyhood to manhood. An event that confirms this boy has what it takes, a challenge to live up to.

In the next few weeks I'd like to share what we are learning, what we think is legitimate, what needs corrected and ultimately what, if anything, we hope to apply in our family. Chris and I are excited about this study and hope it will bolster and flesh out many ideas we have discussed about parenting a son. I hope you enjoy joining us for the journey!

Time for a change...

When I got pregnant I really thought I could finish the PhD.  I only would have two year left and only two classes, so most of that time would be research and writing - shouldn't be a problem, right?  Well that plan hinged heavily on me being able to have Eb with me most of the time.  I knew I couldn't have him in the lab because of policy and chemicals, but I thought I could have him in the field with me.  Over the last few weeks it has become apparent that isn't technically allowed, and my adviser is not okay with it.  

So a cross road presented itself to us.  Start pumping and seek 'alternative care' for Ebenezer so I can spend the amount of time I would need to in the field and Chris can do his internship or... quit.  It wasn't quite that straight forward at first, but that is what it came down to.  

Chris and I have always felt passionately that it is our responsibility from God to train and raise our children - personally.  We don't feel like we can fulfill that responsibility by placing our children under the care and authority of others.  So daycare was out of the question, even if we could afford it.  Chris needs to continue on to his internship if he is to graduate in a timely manner, so he would not be available for the amount of time I would need to be occupied.

So, we decided it was time to quit.

This isn't as traumatic for me as you might think.  It has actually been an extreme relief.  I have felt torn between the full time responsibility of the PhD and the full time responsibility of being a Mom and wife since I knew I was pregnant.  There has been tension between these two for months and it multiplied exponentially after Eb was born.  I wasn't keeping up with my one class and I wasn't getting the necessities done with the project.  What little I was doing took time away from Eb that I didn't want to give, and the whole aura of the PhD tainted the time I did have with him with stress and guilt.  I was beyond tired of that tension, and quite honestly my loyalties had moved from this program to Ebenezer long before I saw his face.

Some things that have further eased this decision are the conditions I came here under, the assumption I have always tried to have about the PhD and some things that just didn't go as planned with the project.  This was a job to me, not something that I had to, or really wanted to, commit my whole life to.  It was a blessing that God provided a way to provide for us that I found very interesting and gave Chris the time he needed to work on his Masters.  I have always held it loosely while still trying to do an excellent job.  I planned to complete it if nothing better came along - fortunately for me something better has come along! Some things in my project haven't gone as planned which has kept me from being as endeared to it as I could have been - I came on the assumption that I would at least be able to incorporate organic research into this and was never able to.  Additionally, the load continues to get heavier and heavier as my adviser added things that were of interest to her and chucked my interests out the window.  Finally, as you all know, my dream has always been to be a wife and Mom, and Chris and I agreed if the PhD interfered with that, it was disposable.

Now that there is a conflict between the two the time has come to cut our losses and dispose of what isn't necessary - me becoming a doctor.

I had a lot of fear in this decision (Surprised?).  Not for my personal goals or desires, I am thrilled that I finally get my heart's desire!  No my fear involved much more tangible things, anger from my adviser, disapproval and misunderstanding from other and finances.  There was the possibility that I would have to pay back all of the aid I had received so far (well over $60,000 including tuition waivers).  But God has been faithful and tangibly confirmed to us that this is a good path (why am I surprised?)!  Not only will I not have to pay anything back (except loans of course) but I will continue to get paid to the end of term, with less responsibility, my adviser took the news beautifully, so has everyone else, we already have a place lined up to live back in Indiana and Chris found a new internship within a week of calling around!

While I am going to miss the church family and friends we have made here, I am beyond excited to move back to familiar ground and start this new chapter of life!  

There is a Baby in my Belly!!!

After our huge, scary, earth-shaking decision in January, we moved on as we said we would and, ahem, used other forms of control, with plans of re-addressing this issue come July.  Oh the plans of mice and men... 

Before I made my trip in May we were suspicious that something was up, but not ready to think about that or tell many people either.  I informed Mom and Dad while I was visiting, but I was still convinced my body was just acting weird, Chris on the other hand was convinced I was the big 'P' word already.  I took a test and low and behold, he was RIGHT!  I was still convinced it was a fluke (it was a very faint line after all) and thought I would prove him wrong with the second test... which also turned out to be positive!

So when I got back we scheduled an appointment for after our trip to Arizona, and in the mean time I started all of the precautions I've heard given to pregnant women (no raw sushi, continue with vitamins, rest, be careful about the spray schedule around the orchard and most of all OPT FOR THE PAT-DOWN AT THE AIRPORT!).  During this time I started experiencing the morning sickness and some body changes associated with pregnancy.  It was still hard for me to accept that this was really happening in spite of the physical evidences.  Part of this denial difficulty was that I hadn't had time to stop and fully process everything (please remember this was all happening smack in the middle of my huge, excessively busy month).  Additionally, whenever I did stop to think about it all I got very stressed out about how all of this was going to work with both Chris and I still in school, feeling very convicted that daycare was not an option, and what would happen when I told my adviser (I know, terribly small-minded and non-trusting of me, but hey, you've been reading this blog for over a year now, surely you know I'm not the sharpest tack in the box with this whole trust thing right?).

After our out west adventure we had our first appointment... with really no idea what to expect, but thinking I was far enough along to maybe hear the heartbeat.  The first appointment was not exactly what I expected, but it was good to have Chris there for the whole thing.  We did not get to hear the heartbeat and I was surprised at how disappointed I was.  The doctor said it was probably just because I was earlier than she thought and ordered an ultrasound to double check... but the ultrasound wouldn't happen until two days later!  Those were two really long days! 

During that time I started considering the possibility that I might have a miscarriage.  Talk about a sobering possibility.  In spite of how nervous I was about the timing of this pregnancy, the thought of losing this little life God had entrusted us with brought me to my knees.  I asked for forgiveness for my selfish, narrow-mindedness and fear and began really praying for this little person for (I'm ashamed to say) the first time.  While I'm still worried about what the future will look like, I now have a peace to temper that fear.  I don't have answers, just reassurance that the Lord knows what He is doing, that's why we trusted Him with this in the first place.

Ultrasound day finally came and we got our first glimpse of our new baby!

For the first time it became real that there was a tiny person inside of my belly!!!!  In these pictures we found out that I was 9 weeks and 4 days along and that the baby will be due January 7th.  I was so overwhelmed to watch the fast little heartbeat, kicks and squirms of this one inch long little person! 

After the ultrasound we met back with our doctor who confirmed that everything looked completely normal and healthy for a pregnancy that early along!  We also found out that our due date will never change because early ultrasounds are really accurate.  We are now 11 weeks along and the morning sickness is starting to let up, though I am still way more tired than usual.

Sorry for the book of an update, but I figured such an important little person needed a good introduction!  Can't wait to tell you more!

Reading the Bible in 90 Days

So after seeing several friends complete this challenge I really wanted to give it a try.  I intended to do this earlier this year, but as you have been witness my semester exploded!  Well Kim at Raising Olives brought this to may attention again, AND she supplied a schedule to use as well!  She has offered to email folks to help keep them accountable and I took her up on it... unfortunately I started out behind!!!  This particular challenge started on April first (Friday) and I'm just starting to read today (Sunday), so in order to catch up I need to read to Genesis 40!  Oh well, that's what Sundays are for right?

I have tried to read through the whole Bible before and never made it.  I wish I could confidently say I have read everything in the Bible at least once, but I can't!  I know I've read most of it but I can't say positively that I've read it all.  I have tried reading the Bible in a year before, but I would usually get distracted somewhere in Leviticus... not very far in.  I'm hoping through this more intense approach I can power through some of the more difficult books while getting a fuller picture of the time line and connections through out scripture.

I hope to give you regular updates along the way and would love if you could keep me accountable too!

Is Joy Optional?

Tuesday was rough. 

Monday started out fine, it was rainy, but we needed the rain... then my muscles started to hurt, I started to cough, and before the night was finished I hurt to the touch all over.  I worked desperately to finish a paper that was due the next morning, hoping I would feel well enough to attend class and turn it in.  Well, I finished it but had to give it to Chris to turn in because I still felt bad horrible.  I was able to sleep in and Chris encouraged me to rest so I could get well.  I found out that afternoon that I was to be one of the first in the class to present on that paper I turned in that day... and the presentation was Thursday!  Additionally, I received a copy of my adviser's edits on the grant we were working on, and she wasn't going to include me on it.

You know how a day can just sort of spiral down, down, down until your heart is just beat up at the end of it?  That was Tuesday.  It ended with me crying myself to sleep on Chris' chest in exhaustion, frustration and - I'll admit it - self-pity.  Not part of myself I like to look too closely at.

Wednesday morning I woke up and one of the first thoughts in my head was Psalm 118:24

              "This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it."

This verse kept running through my mind all day, it eventually became my mantra as I pushed through making and practicing the presentation I gave earlier this morning (Thursday).  The part I will rejoice particularly struck me over and over.  Rejoicing was a choice.  Rejoicing is a choice.

So, as Wednesday went along, I chose to rejoice that I got sick when I did, instead of in the middle of even busier times earlier this month or year.  I chose to rejoice that my husband is so caring and tried to serve me and make me as comfortable as he could.  I chose to rejoice that it was raining outside, it did sound nice after all.  I chose to rejoice that God has me in Florida-far away from my Mom who I really wanted to cry to- for His purposes and for His glory.

It wasn't by my strength that I made it through that day.  I know the Lord brought that verse to mind and helped keep it in the forefront of my mind throughout the day.

It was a long Wednesday, and though it wasn't easier than Tuesday, it was much better because I was intentional in looking for things to rejoice in, instead of wallowing in self pity/loathing.

So that brings me to the initial question.  Is joy optional?  My answer is no.  Not only do we as Christians have every reason in the world to rejoice in our savior and salvation, we can also chose to rejoice - even when we don't feel like it or it doesn't come naturally.  This is part of the power of Christ in our lives.

So when those awful Tuesdays rear their ugly heads, we can turn them into better Wednesdays by looking them in the eye and saying "This is the day the Lord has made; I WILL rejoice and be glad in it."

An old challenge for a new generation...

When previously asked about our plans for a family, Chris and I always answered that we want to be finished with school, Chris in a job and feeling fairly stable before bringing children into our lives.  Far from being questioned we were always praised for the maturity of this decision and then told deplorable tales of parents who didn't make such a 'good' decision and the hardships they were now facing, until last summer that is. 

Over the summer we listened to a conference hosted by Vision Forum that challenged our views on the timing and control of child bearing.  This included questions we had never asked, or been asked, and points about birth control and parenting we have never encountered before.  It challenged the idea that we should be in control of how many children our marriage brings in to the world, it exposed the motivation behind such control, it pointed out that the church's stance on birth control of any kind has been historically negative and the Catholic church still (mostly) holds that negative stance, but mostly it quoted verse after verse and applied other commonly accepted Biblical principles to this touchy subject.

I was crushed at the prospect that we might have been disobeying the Lord for the last four years and we were both convicted that we had never laid this question before the Lord.  Out of all the things we had asked Him and all the decisions we had laid at His feet, we had never even considered asking Him when we should have children or how many we should have.  We followed the culture in the assumption that we should be in control of that and the 'responsible' choice was to prevent children until we were 'ready'.  Hearing the same thing from the church we never questioned this decision.  Looking at it point blank we realized how foolish that was and committed the next five months to prayer, study of God's word and seek counsel from family and mentors in our lives.

Our study revealed that children are a blessing and inheritance from the Lord.  Over and over again you will hear this in scripture, not only that but we see example after example of families longing for children and rejoicing when they are entrusted with them.  Looking through church history we consistently see theologians denouncing the prevention of children by any means, only until the late 50's did this stance begin to change.  From Luther to Calvin to St. Augustine to church father's I previously didn't know about, the stance was that children are a blessing and it was a grave crime against the Lord, the unborn, the church and your wife to try to prevent them.  We saw how other principles of scripture could/should apply to this area of our life but we just hadn't considered them previously.  The main one that hit me was the exhortation to trust the Lord.  We are told from the pulpit to trust the Lord with our calling, who our future spouse will be, with our finances, to provide a job, but never with how many children we are to have.  We also became sadly aware of how many Birth Control pills and methods actually work as abortifacients, causing the early abortion of of conceived babies before they can implant into the uterus.  Finally, this study through scripture revealed that families are one of the ways God increases His kingdom.  Yes, people converted to Christianity from outside the church are precious and valuable members, but Christians who were raised in a Christian home have such a huge advantage!  We can tackle questions that possibly our parents weren't able to get to, we have great examples to learn from for all areas of our life, and we can skip some struggles our parents had to endure and learn from because they told us about those.

We received conflicting counsel from the people we sought out.  Some encouraged us to completely trust the Lord with this area of our lives, some said we should keep doing exactly what we were, and several counseled us to follow a 'middle' path of not using the pill but possibly using other methods of control.

At the end of this time we came together with the conclusion that we definitely should not have as much control over this area as we have.  Chris was especially convicted by the realization that this is not a new question, that church fathers discussed and counseled on this throughout church history and ultimately who are we to stand and argue with them?  Not saying the church fathers were perfect and got everything right, but when facing such a united front you really need to have a good counterargument, and we really didn't find one.  I was especially convicted by the thought that I might be denying the Lord in a way He might want to use me, that I was saying 'no' to potential blessings He might want to entrust us with.  I was also convicted that I do my best to trust the Lord in every other area of my life and yet have been withholding this from Him.

So as of January 4th we stopped the pill!

That's as far as we have gotten however.  We aren't going cold turkey.  We have decided to use other forms of control for at least 6 months, partly to get my body healthy (I have had some minor health quirks while on the pill), partly because we have heard of lots of ladies who have suffered miscarriages after only being off the pill 3-4 months, but also because we aren't positive what the next step should be.  We are both convicted that we shouldn't have as much control as we have with the pill, but we aren't as united on how much control we should have.  So we are going to be praying some more over the next few months and hopefully we will be more united at that time.  If not, we will follow what Chris thinks best since, as the head of our family, he is ultimately responsible for our welfare and thus deserves authority to make that final call.

We are not sharing this decision to guilt anyone into making a similar one.  We are sharing because of the fact that no one had presented us with these questions or ideas before and we wish they had!  Since the softening of the church's stance (well the Protestant churches) the pulpit has gone silent on this issue and it makes me sad.  I do not think that what we are doing now is for everyone, but I do think that it should be a conscious, prayerful decision couples make, not just something we do because everyone else is doing it.  Yes it might seem strange, but isn't that to some degree what we are called to be as Christians?  Strangers in a foreign land?

One of the questions we are still grappling with is what to do about the stewardship question.  We are called to be good stewards of our means, but does this include controlling how many children we should have when we are concerned about providing for them?  So far our answer is no, children don't fit into the category of something we should steward in that sense... but it is still tempting to use that excuse!  We are scared of the prospect of having children while I am still in a PhD and Chris is still working on His Masters, please don't think we haven't thought about the implications and challenges that would pose!  But we are also confident that this is where the Lord is leading us, and where He has pointed the way in the past He has always provided so we are trusting Him to do the same here. 

A Hard Truth for the New Year

So this is the time of year for reflecting on the past and planning for the future, a time for assessment of where we have been, resolutions and renewed determinations.  As you well know this last year has involved a lot of changes and growth for me and my family, and while I like to think I've done well through all of this, genuine evaluation shows me lacking in several ways that I hope to change through God's grace.

When the Lord called us to Florida I obeyed, but not really willingly or happily.  I think I kept hoping that this was going to be temporary, that like the story of Abraham and Isac God would change his mind and open a different path.  But that never happened.  Quite the opposite, we have had multiple affirmations that this is where God wants us right now.  Instead of soothing my spirit this actually made me angry with God for a time.  In spite of all the blessings and provisions and conformations, I did NOT want to be in Florida, and I was angry at God for making me stay.  I always suppressed these feelings and didn't even acknowledge that I was feeling this way until shortly after we got back to Florida and it all came pouring out while I was talking with Chris about how hard it was to leave the family and come back to the intense schedule of school.  I felt awful when I realized what was going on in my heart and the pride and rebellion I was finding there.  What a lot of it boiled down to was I didn't think God had our best in mind, that I knew better than Him but He just wasn't listening.  So one long, hard night I poured it all out to the Lord, I explained every little thing I was mad about and confessed my pride and fear.  It was exhausting and my amazing husband helped me get through. 

After all that as I looked back over the last few months I could see how that hidden resentment had been coloring my life.  I have been enduring, or surviving my time here instead of finding contentment and joy where God had placed me.  I haven't been giving my best to my projects, school or new relationships.  I've been withholding my heart from being too connected to this place or the people here, always lamenting in my heart how much better life would be were we somewhere else. 

I know its ugly, but I tell you all of this so you can understand why I am making the commitments I am for this next year, why they are hard for me and so that maybe you can keep me accountable and encourage me along the way.  I know I cannot do the things I desire through my own strength, that it is going to be an act of God through me, but I also know that I have a role in this process and I have to submit to His work in my life.

James 1:2-3 says "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance."  I didn't used to think this verse applied to my life because I thought in order to count as trials you had to go through something extreme like cancer or severe persecution.  You know trials with a capital T.  As I work through this issue of being content where God has put me however, I see a broader application of the word 'trials'.  Trials can happen in the everyday, seemingly mundane choices we make.  Do I snap at my spouse or do I use kind words?  Do I bemoan my lot in life or do I roll up my sleeves and work cheerfully?  Do I despair or get angry when my school schedule has to change, or do I accept it graciously and plan as best as I can around it?  Do I focus on the negative in my day or look for the positives and gifts the Lord sends my way?  Do I watch that program that I know can make me discontent or steal my time?  You don't have to be a Christian in a Muslim country to have your faith tested, trials come to us on a daily basis and it is these smaller trials that prepare us for the capital T trials.

So with all this in mind I have several big goals for myself in the coming year.  Yes I do have a few of the typical weight and lifestyle goals, but they have been overshadowed in the last week by my renewed awareness of this area of my life that is in much more need of renovation. As it turns out Philippians may be my theme book in 2011!

Goal # 1 - Renewed joy in my life.  "Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say Rejoice!" Phil. 4:4  I know we all know this verse but it really hit me the other day that somewhere along the line I have lost most of my joy.  I have allowed my joy to depend on my circumstances, so it has not been a secure joy.  I want this verse to be true in my life that I can always rejoice in the Lord.

Goal # 2 - Contentment in where God places me.  "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in."  Phil. 4:11  So this sort of connects to the previous goal with some modifications.  I have struggled with contentment on various levels for quite some time.  I want to be content wherever the Lord leads me, and with whatever circumstances that involves, and for now that is Florida.

Goal # 3 - Allowing the peace of God to fill me and letting go of my fears/worry.  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7  I love to plan, but my planning often leads to worry, stress and fear.  I don't want my life to be defined by these things!  I should find peace and rest in where God has brought us and the fact that He has it all under control, instead of freaking out that my life isn't going how I thought it would.  Being peaceful for me is going to mean a lot of letting go and trusting the Lord for what He will do in my future (yeah it does all seem to funnel back to trust again, you'd think I'd have learned this lesson by now right?).

Those are my three heavy goals for the next year.  I covet your prayers as I move forward in anticipation of what God will do in my life as He continues to mold and make me.

What to do with Halloween?

Obviously, this is way late but it was a good discussion Chris and I had around Halloween.  What should we as Christian families do with Halloween?  Both Chris and I have had lots of variations on Halloween, from decorating the house and going all out, to hiding in the house and pretending like it wasn't happening and all in between, including hayrides, church 'harvest parties', and trying Reformation Day instead of Halloween.

The conversation came up after visiting a 'Trunk or Treat' at Chris' Tae-Kwon-Do school with some friends from church who have two small children.  Parents came and decorated their trunks and had the kids trick-or-treat around the parking lot.  It was a fun idea, and some of the trunks were really neat, one was festively Mexican in a Day of the Dead theme  (not as creepy as it sounds, they are honoring their dead ancestors), but several others were disturbingly scary.   Now I know I'm easily scared but I really would not my small children waling around a place like that, if they are anything like me they would have nightmares for weeks!  This is what set our conversation off.

We first tried to justify Halloween as fun for kids because they get to dress up and get candy, but as we reflected on the Trunk or Treat we had to think further about what it meant in the world around us, not just its meaning to Chris and I.  As we looked at it the darker the holiday became.  This holiday, on the whole, glorifies fear, abnormality and perverse imaginations.  I know it sounds like a harsh statement about a day where children dress up as bunnies and cowboys, but look a little closer and you will see where this statement comes from.  The origins of wearing costumes for Halloween came from a Druid tradition of disguising themselves from harmful spirits that had more than usual influence over the physical world.  It is during this time of year that the most horrible and twisted movies of all make their debut, fearful imaginations run wild form these movies and incite fear by twisting the everyday into unrecognizable forms.  Many recognize this as a major holiday for Satanic worshipers and Wiccans.  It has become an excuse for young women all across the nation to dress more provocatively than they would any other day of the year.  While the plea for innocent dress-up and imagination may hold for a little while, what do we dress our children up as they get older?  Many children, and I know I was included, dressed as a witch or 'something scary' at least once.  Should we be playing at something the Bible directly forbids us to do in real life (i.e. witchcraft or divining)?  Don't get me wrong, I loved dressing up as a child and still like costumes, but I think we need a better outlet for this than Halloween.

So after much discussion Chris and I decided that Halloween as it is known won't be celebrated in our house.  We might celebrate Reformation day (directly following Halloween when all the candy is on sale!  Reformers liked candy too, right?), and we will definitely dress up, maybe even officially at a re-enactment, but we won't be joining the world in this particular tradition.  We don't make this decision lightly, and we don't condemn those who chose a different path, but we feel it would be inconsistent with everything else we hope to teach our children to just go along with a tradition we have questions and serious concerns about.... but I know I will still feel the urge to dress up our little children, so please don't look at me too funny if you come over and a little one is dressed up as a duck, dragon or banana!  Well, that's one holiday down, now if only what to do about Santa sounded as clear!

I am now a Quarter of a Century Old!

As of November 5th I am officially 25 years old!  It is really strange to think about that, and even stranger to think how close 25 is to 30!  When I was a kid (like 8 or 9?) that was one of the first times I thought about what 'old' was, and at that time I thought 30.  Shortly there after my 'old' changed to more like 65ish, but for a time I couldn't imagine being 30!  

I am not afraid of death (in fact I somewhat look forward to death because death means being with Jesus, in heaven and reunion with loved ones), so getting older doesn't scare me; I'm not afraid of or embarrassed by 'old people', thanks to some amazing grandparents and the example of my parents I know there is still great purpose for the older generation and I will not become obsolete as I age. Because of the above mentioned people I also know you don't become less beautiful as you age, wrinkles and gray hair are part of living life to the fullest, part of worrying over loved ones, giving your best and lots of smiles, because of that I am not ashamed of the tiny signs of age that are becoming visible in myself (though I know most don't see them).  

What I am worried about as I reach this mile marker of an age is how little time it seems I have left and how much yet I want to do.  I know that by God's grace I still have many years ahead of me, but there's a lot I want to do in that time and I get anxious thinking about how to get it all done.  I want to be a Mom, and in spite of many peoples reassurances that I have plenty of time for that I already feel behind (my 'plan', yes I know God's laughing, was to get married by 22 and start having babies at 24... that's not what's happening!), and the more I've contemplated that particular plan the bigger the number of children I want gets!  I want to homeschool those children, I know there are possibly some schools that I might consider sending them to, but deep down I want to be the one teaching them and choosing their curriculum.  Don't get me started on the books I want to read and the places I want to see/spend time at.  I want to get out of debt and stay that way as best as possible... and save up enough money to leave our kids so they might not have as much need for debt. I want to grow as much of our own food as I can, and maybe even market some at a farmer's market someday.  I want to educate other people along the way, about where their food comes from and about the Creator who dreamed it all up in the first place.  I want to scrapbook, sew, learn to knit, learn to make a souffle, raise some orchids, walk the Highline again, ride my horse, continue to deepen my relationship with my husband and many, many more things!  How does one fit a full life into 75-80 short years?

My answer thus far is to redeem the time as much as possible, of course I will never accomplish all I desire to do but that doesn't mean I stop trying.  Another answer that came as I was thinking about this was to do everything to the glory of the Lord.  I know as Christians we hear this often and feel weighed down by it, but we miss the benefit of such a choice when we focus on that.  During the days when I was struggling with being in Florida I tried working as though I was doing my tasks for the Lord rather than for UF.  Those times my work was higher quality, I got done faster and then had time to do more leisurely things, or at least non-school things.  These fears of not having enough time reinforce the observation made by C.S. Lewis, that we were not made for this world, our hearts long for more permanent place, a place just like heaven, where we have time eternal and all that is good does not fade away.  My final consolation for my fears about the short time we are given is that once in heaven we have all eternity to learn and grow closer to the Lord, and it is my personal conviction that that includes learning about His creation and the wonderful ways He provided for us in the past!    

Ultimate lesson from this birthday? 

"See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil." ~Ephesian 5:15-16

And so it begins!!!

Seeds in the bag with pearlite.

So I started planting the peach seeds for my rootstocks this week!  It is so crazy to see the material confirmation that I am really committed to a four year project.  

When you eat a peach and find that hard pit in the middle that is actually part of the fruit not part of the seed.  Back in August I took 1,000 of those pits and cracked them open to get the real seeds out.  Then I soaked them for five day and put them in a bag with pearlite (kind of like little pieces of Styrofoam, it is the white things it bagged soil mixes).  Next the seeds went into a big cooler that kept them at a constant 45 degrees Fahrenheit.  This was to trick them into thinking they were experiencing winter so they would germinate.  Well now they have germinated (well half of them anyway) and it is time to put them in some soil and into the greenhouse so they can start growing!

New baby roots starting to grow

Hard to see but there are seeds poking out of each cell!

Only about half of them were far enough along that I could plant them so the rest went back into the cooler and should be ready in the next week or two.  We wait until they start germinating and growing their radical (baby root) before planting them to be sure they have had enough of the cold.  It was interesting to see how shallow they wanted me to plant them too, they wanted the tops of the seeds poking out!

It is exciting to see this progress but strange and a little scary at the same time because it is evidence of my commitment to this project and our time in Florida.  The Lord is good though and continues to reassure me every step that this is where we are supposed to be.  One of the assurances was actually in these seeds germinating.

In the same cooler as my seeds is a bag of a different variety of seeds that one of the professors needs for a project next year.  They have been in the cooler since July 4th and not a single one has germinated yet.  It should only take peach seeds about two months in the cooler to trigger germination.  They haven't molded or decomposed in any way, they are just sitting there.  Everyone is stumped.  At first they were concerned it was a problem with the cooler but now that mine have germinated they know its not the cooler.  So in a way I feel that the successful germination of my seed is another confirmation that this is what I'm supposed to be doing!  


It is always so amazing to me the ways Gos has designed His creation for success.  I mean think about it, if these seeds didn't require soaking with lots of water and a cold period they would germinate as soon a the peach flesh came off... at the END of summer.  They wouldn't have enough time to establish their roots, get good mature leaves and stems or store carbohydrates for the coming winter months.  They wouldn't survive!  But God designed them so the would have to be exposed to lots of water and a long cold period before they would start to grow, so that when they DID start to grow it would be at the best time for a new plant to start, spring!  And they would have all summer to grow and store up carbohydrate for the coming winter!  So Cool!

We serve a God who plans ahead, can see what's coming next, knows how to best prepare us for it and wants our good!  If He cares so much for the next generation of peach trees, how can I doubt that He cares for me, who is much more precious to Him?  Thank you Lord for the visible reminder of what you told us in Matthew 6:25-34!    

 

"He's Still Working on Me"

Do you remember the song, any of us who went to Sunday School or VBS would sing, "He's still workn' on me"?  I used to enjoy that song mostly because of the hand movements that went with it, even though my Granny did a great job explaining what the song meant and how cool it was.  Well now that I'm grown up I realize what an amazing encouragement it can be to know that "God's still working on me, to make me what I ought to be".  I was reminded of this song while listening to Brandon Heath's "Wait and See" song on the radio.



I love the line "There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget, the plans He's made for me, you'll have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet".  I love it because sometimes I feel like there is no hope for me, like I've made that mistake one too many times, but that is a lie of Satan!  There is always hope for me!  I also like this line because of the emphasis on God's plans for me. I often question the purpose of us being in Florida, but this is a gentle reminder that God has a plan for our lives and Florida happens to be a part of that plan right now. 

Finally that line is encouraging to me because God doesn't expect us to be perfect right now.  He expects improvement, but sanctification is a process, and it emphasizes the fact that God has an ultimate purpose, or goal, for our lives.  Anyway, this was uplifting to me so I hope it can be encouraging to you!

Encouragement...

So I was tooling around on the radio Friday trying to find something worth listening to and came across this song.  After a moment or two I found myself joyfully worshiping along and thanking the Lord for whoever wrote it.  Moving to Florida has definitely not been an easy move but it is where we feel God wants us right now, though my heart has frequently rebelled against where God has brought us, He has patiently reminded and assured me that this is where He wants to use me.  Over the last week I have been trying to train my heart to be content where God has me, to acknowledge that His purposes are above mine, that He is in control, and above all that He wants our good.  (My heart is often tempted to believe that this isn't true, that the Lord doesn't care for me that way, and that is a lie.  I have to look it in the face, call it what it is, and point out to myself from scripture where it is wrong.)  While I am still struggling with where God has us right now, I am happy to say I could worship with this song in agreement, and perhaps some hope for the future that this will become more and more true of me.  Hope you enjoy!
Chris Tomlin- I will follow

What does it mean to you to have an 'Everlasting God'?

I had a neat experience this Sunday morning.  I have recently been struggling with all of the changes that seem to have happened suddenly over the last few months (specifically the move to Florida and all that has entailed), and was really encouraged this morning about those changes.  Honestly I was not in a very worshipful mood going into church, I had missed the last two Sundays and when that happens it makes me apprehensive when I am next able to go.  Also I have somewhat different taste than the music team at the church we are currently attending, sometimes they are dead on and I have a great time worshiping, other times I am just annoyed at the worship selections.  It looked like it was going to be one of those annoying mornings as the music started up, fortunately the second song straightened my attitude out and it was also the one that was so encouraging to me.  It was called 'Everlasting God', and I hadn't heard it before today.  This song focused on and extolled the unchanging qualities of our Lord.  

It reminded me that the permanence I desire can never be found on this earth because everything around us will change, Chris and I will age, we will move multiple times in the future, I am not always going to be in school, and then after that we will change jobs, when we have children they will grow up to be on their own someday, friendships will start, stop change and fade.  Only God can and will remain the same.  Our relationship with Him is the only permanent thing we will ever experience.  I felt encouraged that we are in this world because we are like this world in that we are changeable, and thank God we are!  Otherwise we would never turn from our sin and seek after Him.  But the desire for permanence that resides in our hearts also belongs there because our souls seek the never changing God, we seek something permanent.  As C.S. Lewis said this universal desire for permanence, the desire never to die, is an indication that we were created for a place in which permanence can be achieved, for a person who never dies.

For some the idea of God never changing may seem like a terrible thing because they seem Him as angry at them or constantly seeking justice, some may think a God who never changes is boring even.  But through the scriptures I see that this quality can be immensely reassuring, it means that His attitude toward me (seeking to do me good -Jeremiah 29:11) will never change - no matter what mistakes I make.  It means that when everything around me seems upside down, I can depend on God to be there and to be Himself (in control of all, powerful and Holy) just as He was when things were calm.  It means I can always depend on Him to pour out His love, mercy and provision no matter what comes.

This may seem like a lot to pull from one song, but that was part of why it was so reassuring to me.  This song may not have the same effect on anyone else who heard it, but it reminded me of many truths which I was already aware, and pulled them together in such a way as to provide me with a peace and confidence about where God has us that I have not experienced since we moved here.  So, does God's everlasting quality bring you peace?  I hope so.

Praise God for Tozer!

Obviously moving to Florida was not my first choice but Chris and I both felt like this was where God was leading us and He opened some amazing doors in the process... that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it does it?  Well, God has been teaching me through the humble wisdom of Tozer some of the reasons I am really unhappy, and that they aren't very good reasons.  The biggest reason is (surprise, surprise!) fear, granted they are all different kinds of fears but they all boil down to fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of looking (or realizing I am) stupid, fear of not being accepted, fear of not doing everything perfectly, fear of not knowing when we get to have babies, or if we will get to have babies, fear, fear, fear.

A lot of these boil down to fear of the unknown, and consiquently not trust God for the things I don't know about, but instead thinking that if I plan and fret enough I can make it all turn out O.K.  How egotistic am I, right?  As Tozer says, "This is a tragic waste of truth and never gives rest to the heart."  Thankfully Tozer has the ability to put me in my place.  After reading the chapter on the Wisdom of God, in The Knowledge of the Holy, I was reminded of how little I know and how infinite God's knowledge is.  More importantly than that though, He desires our good and uses His knowledge to achieve our good.  He alone can make perfect plans and bring those plans to fruition.  And He doesn't have to let us in on how its all going to work ahead of time either.  "Our insistence on seeing ahead is natural enough, but it is a real hindrance to our spiritual progress.  God has charged Himself with full responsibility for our eternal happiness and stands ready to take over the management of our lives the moment we turn to Him in faith."  After all this is the same God who lights the way for our feet, not the God who shines a floodlight on our future.  He shows us all we need to know for today.  All I need to know for today is that God wants me in Florida, and to do my best where He has placed me so that I bring glory to His name.  I must trust His promise, "I will go before thee, and make crooked places straight: I will break in pieces gates of brass, and cut in sunder bars of iron: and I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call the by name, am the God of Israel."

With a God like that going before me what do I have to fear?  He has brought me here for His glory, and His plans do not fail.  "With the goodness of God to desire our highest welfare, the wisdom of God to plan it, and the power of God to achieve it, what do we lack?  Surely we are the most favored of all creatures."

When do boys become men?

I suppose this seems like a random question but it is one that has been brought to the forefront of my mind since my little brother just turned thirteen last week!

Most of us automatically think that a male is not a man until at least eighteen, when he is legally able to make his own way in the world.  Some (though most eventually realize this is wrong) don't think manhood is achieved until the individual has "scored".  Others have standards that should be met such as living on your own, purchasing a car, getting a "grown-up" job, graduating with the desired degree... the list goes on.  So which of these is right?  Are any of them right?  Are we setting our sights too high, or low, for the induction into manhood?

Obviously, I'm not a man, but I am married to one, the daughter of one and I hope to be the mother of one someday and so I think this is something I am qualified, if not required, to think about.  My Dad actually started it all when my Bro's B-day was approaching.  This is the first teenage boy my parents have ever had and Dad is taking the responsibility of making sure they understand manhood and its responsibilities.  As such he has decided that 13 will be "The Year of Man", with the goal that at my brother's 14 birthday we will declare him a man.  He doesn't have it all planned out yet but has been thinking about and planning for this year for a while now.  He has been doing some background research on what ages boys were considered men in the past and found some surprises.  One, teenager is a new stage of life that has recently been added to our ideas of development.  Previously males were either boys or men, there wasn't much of an in-between time.  While 'young men' were expected to respect their elders, they were still considered men and held responsible as such.  Two, boys were often considered men at a much younger age than we think of today.  Boys as young as 14 chose to fight in the civil war and fathers from WWII wrote home to encourage their 13, 14 and 15 year olds to 'play the man' and 'be the man of the house' in their fathers' absences.  Third, following the revelations above, children were expected to grow up much more quickly and take on more responsibility at young ages than most adults think them capable of.  Dad already kinda had this one down even when my sister and I were little.  Being on a farm exposed us to many more dangers than children in other environments and as such we had to learn at a young age what was safe and what wasn't.  In addition, everyone must contribute for the welfare of the family, so we were in charge of animal care, tractor driving and other high responsibility chores at a young age.

So all of these things explain my Dad's choice for the age of transition to be 14, but not what is expected of my brother when he reaches that age, what it means to be a man.

Part of this definition is going to be controversial and seem politically incorrect, but I agree with my Dad on most of it.  I also agree with him that the reason it seems so politically incorrect is b/c our culture has been fixated on emasculating men for the last forty years.  Characteristics that used to be hailed as manly and honorable in men are now seen as chauvinistic, domineering and demeaning to women.  In addition to this society has been striving to deny the differences between men and women, saying that aside from hormones men and women are essentially the same.  Accepting some of the definitions I am going to present assumes you agree with the fact that "God created them male and female" and that that distinction means something.  So with that preface below is a list of what makes up a man with some explanation where it might be needed.  I by no means think this list is complete, but I do think it is something to consider and seriously think about since it so intimately touches all of our lives.

A Man is:
~A Warrior/ Doer/ Risk Taker: He is always ready to take action when action is called for, even when that action is difficult or dangerous, he is willing to act on what is right regardless of the opposition.  (Counter part to the fact that a woman tends to be the nurturer and nester.)

~Decisive: Prepared to make decisions and accept the consequences.

~Intentional: A man does not let life happen to him, he plans as best he can the course he wants his life to take and then pursues it.  When things derail the plans, he considers his options and chooses where he will go from there.

~A Protector/ Provider: This attribute requires accepting that your wife and family need protecting in both physical and emotional ways.  This also involves making distinctions between what are truly needs and what are wants, inescapably this will mean making some unpopular decisions as well.

~ A Counter-part to a Woman: This involves recognizing, accepting and respecting the differences between the sexes and remembering that both halves are needed to form 'one flesh' in marriage.

~Self-sacrificing: (even when it goes unnoticed and unappreciated)

~Self-controlling/ Long-suffering: Involves remembering that your responses and opinions mean so much more to your family or wife than anyone else's opinion (at least until your kid is a teenager).

Well that's our list for now.  Do we expect my brother to have fully understood and practiced all of these in the next year?  Of course not, that's why he is still at home and learning.  Does my Dad hope to introduce him to all of these qualities and what is expected of a man in the next year?  Yes.  Is he going to get it perfect?  Of course not, but it is a start, it is a beginning to addressing and correcting a great void and need in our culture for mature men.

Dad and Mom are still trying to decide how the year will end, how formal this transition will be and what different expectations and treatments he will get once it is finished.  While I am still processing through all of these ideas I am so excited about their decision to take this on.  I love that they are leaving an example for Chris and I, and even if they don't get it right, or if I think they make a mistake, it is still an example.  Something for us to learn from, whether that means emulating them or avoiding their choices.  After all that's part of what parents are for, teaching us through example.

So what do you think a man is?  When you picture a good man, what qualities stick out?  Dad gave Chris and I some Bible Character studies to look at for good examples when we feel at a loss for modern examples, they included Joshua, Caleb, Elijah, Job, and, of course, Jesus.

Moving from fear to faith...

Recently our pastor has been preaching through Genesis, and his current focus is on Abraham. This may seem innocuous to most but has been really challenging to me. His major focus has been on the changes in Abraham's character as his story unfolds. Abraham initially trusts the Lord to leave his family and home when told to do so, but when hardship strikes in the form of famine he heads to Egypt where he hopes to be safe instead of trusting the Lord to care for him. While there he exhibits cowardly and deceptive behavior in addition to putting his wife in a horrible situation. The Lord rescues him from his own mess and even prospers him through it. Ol' Abe seems to have learned from this and is changed for the better the further we go in his story. First he lets Lot choose where he desires to settle and trusts the Lord to provide for him wherever he moves... That's not the grasping man we saw just a chapter ago. In making that decision he moves away from Sodom, an area that we know is infamous for its wickedness, but tempted Lot with its promise of prosperity. Next, he takes just under four hundred men to conquer four kings and rescue Lot. This is not the coward who asked his wife to lie for him so that Pharaoh would spare his life. Once Lot is rescued, he refuses treasure he rightly earned so that he will not be indebted to the king of Sodom. Again, not the man who accepted and kept the dowry from Pharaoh-for his Wife!

While we are not there yet in the sermon series most of us know where the story goes from there, Abraham messes up by not waiting on the Lord for his son from Sarah, but God forgives him and finally provides anyway. Then God asks for that son back, the ultimate test of Abraham's faith and love, and Abraham obeys.

Throughout his life we are able to see Abraham grow, he is moving away from fear and towards faith. Away from grasping at riches of this world and toward trusting God to provide. God keeps presenting Abraham with choices that force him to move one way or the other. He is doing the same for us today, I know he is continually asking me if I will trust Him. Which way are we moving? I know again and again I have seen God provide for us in tangible ways as we walk in the paths He has laid before us. Why are we afraid? Just as God was faithful to Abraham, so He will be faithful to us as we trust in Him. Just as Abraham failed, so too we will fail, but God is merciful and willing to set us back on the path if we are willing to follow Him.

In conclusion, which way are we moving? I intend to use this area to share with you opportunities God presents in my life for me to move away from fear and toward faith. I hope you will join me, encourage me and keep me accountable to this goal.