A Very Big Baby

Things don't always go as planned - even when we have good plans and try to do everything right.  How do we react when our plans go awry?

Unfortunately, I don't react very well.

This last week we had an ultrasound for Eb since he is late.  At our last appointment I had expressed concern over his size and my midwife didn't think he was overly big, come to find out she was mistaken.  According to the ultrasound tech he was already 9 pounds and 6 ounces - huge for a first baby.  The news didn't get much better.  When the midwife checked me I was exactly where I'd been almost two weeks ago - with a soft cervix but no dilation and a still 'floating' baby (meaning he hadn't dropped yet).  Armed with this new information my midwife recommended that if nothing happens we induce sooner than planned, just because his size was going to make it much more challenging to come vaginally and if he gained any more weight it might not be possible at all.  She also recommended that I consider an epidural (something I had been hoping to avoid) because it could help me to relax and dilate sooner and it could slow down the desire to push which could reduce the severity of any tears experienced.

My Mom was with us and asked a lot of good questions... and also became very apprehensive for me.  She had a very hard labor with me and ended up needing an emergency c-section and doesn't want to see me have to go through the same thing.  We discussed options, pro's and con's all weekend... and I cried and cried because it was becoming clear that the delivery I so desperately wanted might not be what I get.  At the time we though an induction on Monday might still be an option (during my appointment we had scheduled for Wed.) and I was feeling a lot of pressure to make a choice.  It was hard because the longer we wait the more chances there are that I will go into spontaneous labor which is best for a vaginal delivery - but while we wait he continues to grow which could mean more need for a cesarean.  I am terrified of a C-section for lots of reasons, so it was a long couple days.  I spent a lot of time crying and praying that the Lord would help me make the right decision and that he would please make Eb drop and go into spontaneous labor so I didn't have to be induced.

Today we found out that inducing Monday is no longer an option and I am glad that decision is made for me.  Since then I have found a lot more peace that the Lord has this and that we will take it hour by hour, whether I have to be induced or not.  If I do have to be induced I am going to try to have him vaginally unless the midwife advises otherwise, even if I end up with a cesarean I will feel better mentally knowing that I was at least allowed to try and he really couldn't come that way. 

Why am I upset at my reaction?  It seems pretty normal considering I've spent the last 8-9 months thinking about what would be best for Eb and I, and trying to anticipate how things would go.  I think it was okay for me to be disappointed and mourn the loss of those ideas - but I think I crossed the line from what was acceptable to self-pity and a taste of despair.  During this weekend though, I was so distracted by my fear and disappointment about the possible changes to my delivery plans that it was hard for me to rejoice over the good things we found during the ultrasound, namely that Eben was moving well, his breathing movements looked great, he had plenty of amniotic fluid even though he's huge and that everything else looked 'normal' (I never thought such a small word could be so blessed!).  No matter how my delivery turns out God is going to bless Chris and I with a beautiful healthy son!  And with the medical experience surrounding this birth I will come out safely too.

So now I am trying to move forward the way I should have started - trusting the Lord for grace and strength to do what is best for my son, and trusting that the Lord has it all in His hands and that he wants mine and Eben's good, even if 'good' may not look like I think it should.