Birth Story Part 1 - Setting the Stage

*Disclaimer*  This post, and subsequent ones, will probably contain quite a bit of TMI and be quite long.  I am including quite a few details both for my memory and for those who might consider a Homebirth.  Obviously, every birth, momma, midwife and situation is unique.  Please don't substitute my opinion or experience for your own researched judgement.

Setting The Stage:

As you know I was desperately hoping for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian) this time around.  While this came with a slightly higher chance of hemmoraging, I still felt like it would be better on my body than major surgery (another c-section), it would give us the most options for family size in the future (hypothetically there are a limited number of c-sections your body can handle), and psychologically I felt like I had left something unfinished, like I still needed to heal and somehow succeeding at this (or at least giving it my best go) would help me with that healing process. 

 I know it's silly because of all the variables involved, but I felt like I had somehow failed during Ebenezer's birth - like my body malfunctioned by not going into spontaneous labor and I had been too weak to assert the things I knew I needed.  I know the variables are too numerous to say for sure that changing those things would have meant a vaginal delivery, but they haunted me none the less.

I also keenly felt the pressure of the fact that this was my last shot at a natural delivery.  No ethical doctor or midwife will allow a mom to attempt a second VBAC if she has never had a successful vaginal delivery.  

I had high hopes for this delivery though. We were with a hospital that has a great natural and VBAC delivery percentage and a great reputation. I liked two of the three CNM's we were working with and they seemed prepared and capable to help me get a natural delivery.  So what changed? Why did I seek out something different?

Getting my Rogham shot (circumventing any complications from a mom with a negative blood type having a baby with potentially positive blood type - like me) changed that.  Going through the hoops this hospital required to get one shot (seriously, four hours folks, and part of it was unnecessary in my mind because they insists on checking my blood type even though my records stated I was negative and needed Rogham with Eb) reminded me forcefully that even though we had good intentions and a good team, we were still in a hospital and bound to their rules if any aspect of labor strayed outside their parameters.

... And it almost gave me a panic attack being back in that setting.  It reminded me of all those feelings of fear, helplessness and frustration I had during Eb's birth.  It made me afraid I would freeze during labor, or that my own emotions would cause delays or complications.  It made me realize how terrified of the hospital I had become.

So we seriously started researching an option we only considered before on passing - a Homebirth.