Grateful

This can be a really challenging season of life.  While our needs are met, we are still living on a student budget, Chris is busy with school and his internship, and being a stay at home Mom requires more of me than I ever imagined it could.  My beautiful babies need all of me, all the time.  Some days they need even more than I think I have to give.  With all this going on you would think I'd be tempted to wish this season away, to want to hurry to the one with more affluence, less diapers and maybe a bit more sleep.  Instead I caught myself praying that God would make this season last a little while longer...

Thank you Lord for Ebenezer.  For joy wrapped in the package of a wiggly little boy, for love that shines so intensely from his eyes it makes you want to cry.  For a sweet voice and brown eyes that scoot right up beside you with a precious "hi" that translates to "I love you".  For car tracks on arms, milking cows in the living room, slobbery kisses and delighted squeals as I chase him with the popper.  For repeat reads of the same book so many times I have it memorized but can't say no when he asks for it 'again'.  Thank you for a tender heart that cries when his sister cries because he is concerned for her, that is easily disciplined and molded, that desires and soaks up love like a plant soaks up sunshine.  For a growing independence that my mind knows is good but my heart aches to see.  Thank you for an outstretched hand and the request to 'come' and share in whatever experience he is excited about.

Lord I have loved each new season that has come, and watching this little man's personality develop, but does it really have to go so fast?  Am I really going to have to give up the nap snuggles and playing tractors in a few short years?  Please Lord, let me cherish these fleeting moments and fully appreciate them for the blessings that they are.


Thank you Lord for Evelyn.  For her total dependence and contentment.  For little fingers wrapped around mine as she falls asleep.  For tiny toes, a downy head, sweet pouty lips and blue blue eyes that I never believed I'd see in one of my babies.  For how well she sleeps at night (though it can be scary!).  For how she knows and wants me in a group of people. For her sweet giggles and grins.  Thank you for the new dimensions she brings to the relationships in our family, for the love we get to see Ebenezer show her, for seeing Chris as the Daddy of a girl.

Please Lord give me endurance for this season of 2 under 2, and give me the insight and purpose to enjoy it to the fullest.

You Might Be a Momma if... Cherishing Evie

... while rocking and burping your beautiful baby girl you are suddenly and painfully aware of how fleeting this exact moment is - with that realization comes a desperate plea to the Lord to help you remember just what this feels like - her tiny body completely relaxed against your chest, her little arm limply hanging off your shoulder, how her downy little head fits so perfectly in your cupped hand, her incredibly soft and kissable cheeks, the precious knuckle dimples on the hand curled around your finger, her round diaper bottom in your hand, the reassuring sound of her breathing by your ear, the overwhelming joy and responsibility of caring for her every need and nourishment, her slightly pouty relaxed mouth, the complete peace of her at rest in my arms.  Thank you Lord!  Please help me not only remember these moments when they are gone but also soak them up, appreciate and fully live in them now.  Please help me distinguish between the truly important and merely urgent details of life so that I don't miss any opportunity to cherish these amazingly sweet moments you have blessed me with.  Please let me not be distracted from these moments by the frivolities that pull so incessantly at my heart and mind - help me to instead be captivated by these beautiful lives you have entrusted me with so I can look back on this time with joy and contentment - not regret.

Confession Time...

As with anything involving a confession of shortcomings, this is a hard post to write.  It is especially hard because the shortcomings involve my children and parenting.  But as we all know confession is healthy, cathartic, might help us keep from repeating the same mistakes again, and might even help another brother or sister in Christ.  ... But this post isn't about confession... Yeah I'm stalling.

So here it goes.  (deep breathe and words tumbling out in a rush) Going from one to two babies has been hard, hard.  It has been challenging in many ways, but especially so emotionally.  I didn't feel the same way toward Evie when she was born as I did toward Eb.  In fact I struggled to feel that gushing affection for her for almost two months. Whew. There it is. Ugly, huh?  I feel like it is which is why I was afraid to say it.

I loved Evie deeply from the first moment I knew I was pregnant with her - but I didn't feel a super intimate connection with her until fairly recently.

I know part of this struggle was connected with all the challenges and long recovery postpartum - PPD and exhaustion definitely played a huge role in my emotional sloppiness.  

Haley over at The Tiny Twig identified another part of what I was experiencing in this post: 

"To be fair, I loved Cooper immediately. But, I loved him because I knew I was supposed to. I loved him by virtue of being my son. In a lot of ways, I loved Cooper because I saw the love Noah had for him.

I didn’t feel the same intimate “I’ve known you forever” connection that I felt after having Noah. I didn’t get to log hours staring at his sweet face. Sweet Cooper logged a lot of time in the Baby Bjorn or bouncy seat while I chased after Noah, who was a crazy climber by that point.

I remember confessing to Mike a few weeks after Cooper was born that I was worried I’d never feel connected to him like I did Noah. I felt guilty even entertaining those thoughts, let alone actually feeling them and verbalizing them to the father of these boys.

It wasn’t until Cooper was about 9 months old and had begun to develop a little personality of his own that I really felt equally attached to both boys. I had always had a strong affection for Cooper and I had a deep feeling of responsibility for him, but I finally began to know him and feel bonded and connected.

And now, it’s as if those early fears of not loving another child as much as my first never even existed. I couldn’t adore Cooper more if he paid me a million dollars and took me on a vacation to the moon. Even if it took me a bit of time to feel intimately connected with Coop, it is true that love is multiplied with each child and never divided."

Just like her I loved Evie from before she was born, and in part loved her more because of Eb's love for her...

.... but didn't feel intimately connected to her the way I felt with Eb.

Reading this nailed down my true hurtle to feeling intimately connected to Evie - fear.

I wrestled and struggled with this lack of intimacy for months. Desiring to connect to Evie but never quite accomplishing it, always feeling like I should give her more but not sure how.  When I cried out to the Lord about this he showed me my fear and that it was causing me to hold back, that I was preventing my heart from growing.  I had been afraid since Eb's birth that my heart wasn't deep enough to love another baby like I loved him - after all he had plumbed depths I didn't even know existed.  I was afraid that if I really tried, really poured all of me into my littles, I would discover to my dismay that there just wasn't enough room in my heart for both of them.  I was afraid loving Evie with all my might would somehow diminish or deprive Eb of the love he needed, or make me love him less.  I was worried Eb might feel replaced if he saw me making over his sister too much.  Accompanying this somewhat horrifying revaluation came the prompting to love all out, all of the time - to not hold back.  The Lord comforted and assured me that he would cover the gaps and that he created my heart with the incredible ability to expand.

So I did.  I broke down that dam that I was using to meter out what I thought was a finite supply of love only to find my heart completely overwhelmed and engulfed with love!  It's all there and then some!

When I called out to the Lord and embraced his prompting all of my fears were exposed as the lies from Satan that they were.  Where I was afraid that loving Evie would leave less of my heart for Eb, nothing could be further from the truth!  He already loved her more than I could have ever hoped, now our shared love of her deepened our love for each other and  our love for her.  It's kind of like a reflection of light bouncing between mirrors, not only is the light undiminished but because of the mirrors more light is visible and we get to see different spectrums because of the multiplication through the mirrors.

If you hear those lies from Satan, if you feel those fears, call them out.  Then lean into God and trust him to fill you where you're lacking as you pour yourself into your beautiful children and loved ones around you.  I promise he will not disappoint!

Please check out Haley's full post here - it was so encouraging to me I'm sure it will lift you up too!

Birth Story Part 7: Next Time...

I have been asked several times if we will have a homebirth next time (yes, we already hope there will be a next time, no, we aren't already pregnant and no, we aren't crazy... yet :) ).  My honest answer is, it's still too soon for me to say.  Every pregnancy, baby and birth are different and I have no idea what our circumstances will be next time (or if we will even be blessed with a next time).  I hope we are still close to my family and in a state where a planned homebirth is a 'legal option', but who knows? We might not be.  I might not have as uncomplicated of a pregnancy and may need to be in a hospital for the next delivery.  It was really hard on Chris to see me go through the pain of labor and feel mostly helpless to relieve it, so we might want to explore other options for pain relief now that we have a successful VBAC under our belts.  That being said, I mostly liked having a home birth.  I liked our family being united so quickly afterward, I liked laboring in our home, I liked all the prenatal appointments at home and the opportunity to involve Eb in those, I didn't feel violated or pressured during Evie's birth.  So the short answer to this question is, we are definitely keeping it as an option.  But, I do know there are some things we will do differently, and some things I want to repeat, next time no matter where we have our baby.

Things I would change...

I would have more people at our house during labor (especially my Mom) and have people in sooner after the birth.  Because of my experience last time I was terrified of someone talking me out of trying this, or stopping too soon.  I also felt like this was something I needed to conquer on my own (with Chris), so we decided to only have people there that were absolutely required, me, Chris, the midwife and her assistant.  Looking back this was unnecessary and ended up hurting relationships because I did not do a good enough job communicating.  Now that we know better, I hope to have more people to support us through the next delivery and celebrate our little one's arrival.

I would have better communication all around of how I hope to see the birth go, what I want people to do, and send more updates.  Having more people at the birth will make keeping friends and family updated much more practical.  With this birth I didn't really let people know I was in labor, or how it was going, partly because even when I was pushing I was afraid it was all just going to stop, partly because once things really got going Chris and I were so focused on our jobs that we totally forgot to let the world know how we were progressing.  Obviously I need someone more objective making those decisions, and someone not so directly involved letting everyone else know whats happening.  

More pictures!!!  I have very few pictures around Evie's birth, none of the time during labor and none of my family meeting her the first time.  I'm telling you folks, I did not plan this out well!  I was so focused on the VBAC I missed TONS of other important details, like documenting our girl's birth in photos!  And again, having another person or two around would have fixed this.

This one might seem like a no brainer - but again NO DYED VYCRIL!!!

I think I would like to do perineum stretches before the next birth.  Because of the tear we have about a 50% chance of tearing again next time and I hope the stretches would reduce that chance.

I want to do the Thompson Breech technique as soon as she should be down or we realize she isn't engaged.  I think this was a huge factor in her (and Eb's) delayed due dates.

I think I want to keep nursing Evie as long as she wants to (or maybe 2? whichever comes first), even if that means tandem nursing.  I think weaning Eb was probably a good idea this time, but there are times when I think we would all benefit from him still being able to nurse.

Get someone assigned to feed me during labor.  I would have eaten if I had thought of it... I think.  This might have reduced the shock afterwards too.

Ask for more help, before and after.  With Liam and Evie being born so close together, family support was stretched to the max and I was reluctant to ask for more help even though I'm sure many were willing.  Next time I need to swallow my pride and ask, and also ask outside of the family.  Many friends were willing to come in and I now realize I deprived both them and me from blessing by not asking for help.

I have heard great things about encapsulating placenta to help prevent Postpartum Depression.  It totally weirds me out, but does make sense that it would provide a lot of the nutrients you suddenly find yourself deprived of.  I need to research ahead of time who is close to us and certified (apparently you can get certified to do this!), how much it costs, how much to take once encapsulated, and how we need to store the placenta until we can get it to them.

I want to be sure to have the stuff I'm taking now on hand, both as a back-up if the placenta doesn't work and to hold me while it is being processed.  Right now I am supplementing with Thyrotrophin PMG, Drenamin, Gummy B complex with inositol, NOW powdered Inositol and my prenatal vitamins.  I see a huge difference in my mood, anxiety and energy when I'm consistent with these! 

I did pretty good with making freezer meals ahead of time so we had some easy, healthy meals, but I did not do good at storing up equally healthy snacks.  As such I have eaten way more goldfish and M&M's than I ever care to admit!  Next time I want to include snacks in my make-ahead-and-store list. (Maybe try freezing some smoothies, definitely granola bars, veggies and dip in a jar, energy balls, nothing with peanuts)

Keep saline papules as an option for next time.  I didn't have back labor this time, but if I did I think I would have used this method for pain relief.

Actually do the Maternal Fitness by Tupler consistently. I do think this would have helped me push more effectively.  I also developed a larger diastasis recti this time and it is having a harder time healing - I think doing these exercises during pregnancy would have prevented most o this and help me heal more quickly post-baby. 

Repeats for next time...

Paper products are a sanity saver!!! Yes they cost more, but they are so worth the reduced dish and stress load!

Caster oil.  No it wasn't fun, but I will definitely try that again before an induction.  BUT, I need to start kefir immediately because it took my gut flora a long time to repair after that eviction ans I still suspect that was part of my problem with thrush.

Freezer meals were also great!  I need to put up double what I think I will need and more variety next time in case I have an extended recovery like this time.  Adding soups, meatballs and spaghetti sauce would help variety a lot.  Dump chicken worked great, easy prep to freeze and tasty when cooked!

Borage oil seemed to help my cervix ripen ahead of time and I'm sure this allowed things to progress so quickly once everything else (i.e. Evie's head) was in place. Definite repeat for next time.

Birthing tub was AWESOME! Maybe get in sooner next time!

Splint!  I used a Belly Bandit this time since there was not a hospital to request a wrap from.  I didn't use it as consistently as I should have, but I think it helped me shrink much more quickly and it helped wit that weird, loose, empty feeling in your tummy post baby.

Have supplies on hand for thrush - Gentian Violet, cortisone, neosporin, myconozole/clotrimazole, kefir.

Well, that's all I can remember for now and concludes this long series on our birth story!  I hope you found something useful and thank you for your patience while I document these things for my forgetful brain!

Birth Story Part 6: Recovery - A Long Road

*Disclaimer*  This post, and subsequent ones, will probably contain quite a bit of TMI and be quite long.  Feel free to skip to cute baby pictures if you're concerned about knowing me a little too well at the end :)  I am including quite a few details both for my memory and for those who might consider a Homebirth.  Obviously, every birth, momma, midwife and situation is unique.  Please don't substitute my opinion or experience for your own researched judgement.

So, I kept putting this post off and finally had to admit I'm avoiding it even though I know it is necessary.  Probably part of the avoidance is that all of these struggles are still fresh and I really don't want to relive them again, another part is I am still working through a couple of them, so I wouldn't really say I'm completely recovered - even ten weeks after the fact.  That being said I still feel like the story isn't complete without this addition.  Because of the aforementioned reasons fr avoidance I probably won't go in as much detail just so I can get this over with as quickly as possible :)

Tear-
The most pressing thing to recover from was the tear I developed during Evie's delivery.  As soon as I was settled in bed and somewhat cleaned up (with in about 15 minutes after delivery of afterbirth), Wantina started repairing my tear.  She must have done a great job numbing me because I didn't feel almost any of it.  Unfortunately, when she came to check on me a couple days later the stitches were pulling out and I was still in extreme discomfort.  By Saturday we decided I better risk going into the nurse midwife's office to see what they could do because Wantina was afraid to re-stitch me since it had been open for so long - the concern being that it wouldn't hear properly.  I say 'risk' because we still would rather not have to outright reveal we had a planned homebirth, and if I went in with stitches that would be quite the giveaway, so Wantina removed what was left of them on Sunday.  This brought about an epiphany - Wantina had used dyed stitches.  I am highly sensitive to dyes and we believe that is why the stitches wouldn't hold.  This suspicion was further confirmed when I felt somewhat better with the stitches out. Monday was a whopper, we went to Evie's weight check, hearing test, saw the lactation consultant and went to the nurse midwife all in one day.  We went in fully expecting them to refer us to an OB who would rough up the tissue before sewing me back up, something I might have to be put under for, and were shocked when she said I could still be stitched up and went right to work!  This sucked by the way.  Although she put something on my skin it felt like she didn't numb me at all.  I was all but screaming by the time she was finished.  Fortunately, she used undyed and the stitches held, though of course they were still uncomfortable for weeks.  (Note to self UNDYED VYCRYL is okay for my skin.) I was so scared of them coming out again I stayed in bed the whole next week and a half (pretty much in bed for the first two weeks of Evie's life because of these crazy stitches!).  During that time I was doing some afterbirth herbal rinses, rinsed every time I went to the bathroom (to prevent infection), took comfry tincture orrallly, upped my zinc and C intake, applied arnica gel to help with swelling and bruising, and took arnica internally as well.  I was also on quite a bit of tylenol and ibuprofen for the first couple weeks.  Even after I started getting up I was extremely slow and careful for the next week.  The stitches finally dissolved around week 7 and we were cleared for intimacy around that time too.  While possible that area of our life is no where near as easy or comfortable as it was before, even now.  Although the midwife said to contact her if it was painful I'm afraid to because I don' want to got through the healing process again if some new procedure is recommended.  I think Wantina's procedure would have been fine and I would have healed more quickly and neatly - if only we had used undyed!

Pink Eye/ Belly Button
This is for Evie, not me, but I'm recounting it here because it was stressful for me and took some recovery in that regard.  Evie's umbilical cord fell off within five days but continued to ooze.  It was stressing me out so when she was about ten days old Wantina used silver nitrate on it for me.  Shortly thereafter she got some gunk going on in her eyes, had what I thought was heat rash and I was showing signs of thrush so I wanted her to be treated at the same time as me so we had to go in to the pediatrician.  Right before this some of the silver nitrate rubbed off early and left a spot on Evie's belly button looking shocking pink.  When the ped. saw it she pretty much freaked out on me that I let someone else treat her and all around made me feel like a bad Mommy.  She gave me some medicine for her eye and refused to treat her for thrush because she couldn't see plaque in her mouth.  In spite of her reprimands Evie healed up nicely within days after that and many Mom's have assured me the nitrate is standard procedure for a weepy or stubborn umbilical area.  Evie's eye also healed up within days.  I will not be going to that doctor again and we are in search of a different family doctor.

Thrush
As I mentioned above, we got thrush (a yeast infection affecting Mom's breasts and baby's mouth).  Again, I'm not good with dates, I was just starting to get up and around so I'm guessing we were two-three weeks from birth.  Nursing had been more painful than I remembered with Eb and remained that way for some time.  We suspected a tongue tie, and confirmed it with a lactation consultant, but it wasn't severe and with my tear we weren't up for the travel required to get it fixed.  But then the pain got worse and I noticed  bright pink slick patches around my nipples, and Evie started getting severe gas that did not seem related to my diet.  Once I oticed the pink patches was when I called both the midwife and the pediatrician.  The midwife's nurse was awesome, she took my symptoms over the phone ad had a prescription to me the same day ( a 14 day supply of fluconozole - antiyeast).  After doing lots of research I also applied Gentian Violet, t treat both Evie and me, and a combo of myconozole cream, neosporin cream and cortizone cream topically.  I also started Evie on tiny doses of probiotics (dipped a wet pinky in probiotic powder and gave that to her once a day)  After five days I started feeling better, after ten the pain was gone and we were back to nursing normally. Also Evie's gas was almost gone - or at least back to what I consider normal levels.

Postpartum Depression
This one took me longer to catch and I'm still struggling with it some, but its much improved.  I think what I had was as much postpartum anxiety as it was depression, but I did have the depressive symptoms and feelings of apathy toward Evie characteristic of PPD as well.  I think Evie was 7 weeks when it all came to a head and I realized most of my stress and issues could be explained by PPD.  I talked to Wantina to see if there were some natural remedies to try before antidepressants and she recommended Inositol, a member of the B vitamin family sometimes called B8.  She also recommended extra B vitamins and a thyroid supplement.  I also checked with Dr. Grome and he recommended more Drenamin for adrenal support.  The next night I was armed with Drenamin, Thyrtrophin PMG and a B complex containing Inositol.  I took all three and felt noticeably better before bed.  The next day I felt almost like myself again!  It was great!  I also felt that missing affection for Evie.  I still have rough days, but they are not the norm and I now have the ability to rally and recover.  When I'm consistent with the supplements I really see the biggest difference.

Parenting Two Babies
Of all the things this really has been the most difficult, and I'm still struggling with the new balance on a daily basis.  I love both of these little people more than I can express and it pains me to no end that I cannot give them the time and attention I desire.  I just can't.  Every Mom I've talked to says the transition from 1 to 2 is by far the hardest in this area.  I don't regret growing our family in the slightest, I just wish I could have duplicated myself in the process so I could continue giving Eb all his attention while giving Evie the same attention I was able to give Eb.  But that's part of learning to share and learning independence I suppose.  And I know it will be worth it when they can benefit from the love they will e able to give each other, which I would never have been able to give them were either one an only child.  None the less this part is still a work in progress.

Sorry this post sounds depressing, which is why I procrastinated!!!  These first weeks have been a difficult transition, but I would not trade them for anything because in the midst of all this pain, healing, frustration and growing I have had the great joy of getting to know Evie, I have watched Eb take on the role of big brother and show his baby sister incredible amounts of love and affection, I have seen Chris grow in his role as father and how he parents a baby girl, and above all I am learning that our God is extremely faithful even in times of trial.  In almost every difficulty help came at just the right time, we were spared serious injury, we were given natural alternatives and we saw our petitions answered time and time again.  Every pain experienced was a small cost to get to get our little girl in this world and I am so thankful for her every day!

Birth Story Part 5: Labor and Delivery

*Disclaimer*  This post, and subsequent ones, will probably contain quite a bit of TMI and be quite long.  Feel free to skip to cute baby pictures if you're concerned about knowing me a little too well at the end :)  I am including quite a few details both for my memory and for those who might consider a Homebirth.  Obviously, every birth, momma, midwife and situation is unique.  Please don't substitute my opinion or experience for your own researched judgement.

I apologize ahead of time if this post is a bit disjointed.  Parts of labor I remember vividly and other parts are a blur.  

Contractions started around 4-5 and were really steady at 10 minutes apart.  By the time Eb went to bed and Wantina came to check on me (around 9) contractions were more like 5 minutes apart, but I could still talk through most of them.  I bounced on the ball and visited with Wantina until about 11 when she checked me again - I was 2-3 cm and she was able to strip my membranes (slide finger between cervix and bag of water along with putting pressure on points evenly all around my cervix)!  Eb woke up a little while after that and Wantina took a nap on the couch while Chris and I tried to put him back to sleep.  

During that half hour my contractions changed to where I needed to vocalize through them.  I had to leave Eb and Chris so I wouldn't keep him up and moved into Evie's room where we had the love seat.  Chris joined me after he had Eb back down and brought distraction in the form of Duck Dynasty :) That helped for the next couples hours, I was able to be on my knees and lean on the couch and get through pretty well, but at some point my contractions changed again and I just needed to focus and move a lot - so no more Duck Dynasty :(  During that period Chris was invaluable.  He supported me during contractions while standing, vocalized with me through them, helped me relax between them, talked me through the anxiety that would rise after each one... Yeah all in all he was awesome :)

Around 4 in the morning Eb woke up and we decided it was time for him to go to Grandma and Graddad's because I was afraid I would scare him.  While Chris was taking him over Wantina checked me again.  I had been bracing myself for a very long labor. Often First-time VBAC moms who haven't had a successful vaginal delivery before (like me) will labor as long as first time moms, with 24-48 hour labors totally in the realm of normal. So with that in my mind was not expecting a lot of progress - which is why I was celebrating when I was 6-7 cm dilated!!! I was over half way there!

Contractions continued to intensify and held steady at about 3 minutes apart from there on out.  Wantina called her trainee, Laura Jean, to have her come out and bring the birthing tub with her.  They had it set up and full by 7 ish and wanted to check me one more time before I got in the water and wasn't as accessible.  I didn't feel like I could lay down so they had me on the birthing stool, as she was checking (and just announcing I had reached 9 cm!) my water broke and flooded everywhere - and suddenly I HAD to push!

For some silly reason, probably from watching too many movies where the doctor says 'okay, now push', I had it in my head that pushing would be voluntary.  It wasn't.  At least, for me it wasn't.  With every contraction came the irresistible urge to push, and loud pushes they were!  I had up to this point simultaneously been looking forward to and dreading pushing - I dreaded the possibility of a tear but I also knew this was almost the end and that many women found pushing a relief because they could finally feel like they were 'doing something'.  Unfortunately, pushing was frustrating for me.  I had trouble figuring out how I was supposed to push to help my body get Evie out, which is probably part of why I had to push so long (some other things were going on that I will highlight along the way).

Something else that surprised me was the doubts that came tumbling out if my mouth during this time.  I suppose because you are so focused on what you are doing you have no brain power to maintain inhibitions or reason like you normally would, so all those fears you thought you worked through (but really just buried) come bubbling to the surface and out your mouth.  Mine were in the form of 'I can do this?' spoken after many contractions to Chris and exclamations of 'I can't' while pushing.  The truth was I WAS doing it, but that was my deepest fear leading up to, and all the way through the birth, that my body just couldn't deliver a baby. That it was gong to give out or shut down part way through.  Apparently I hadn't worked through that fear as well as I thought, but fortunately I had support to remind me I was doing it and my body was doing just what it should.

After my water broke I still wanted to get in the birthing pool, so Chris and Wantina helped me in and I spent over an hour in there, practicing pushing and, believe it or not, napping between contractions.  The warm water helped me relax so much that I really could take 3 minute power naps between most contractions while I practiced different positions to push in, but I had a hard time keeping my grip and feeling steady enough to really push while in the tub.  So out we got again and tried the birthing stool, but again, I just didn't feel stable enough so I ultimately ended up holding onto the bed post and squatting.

Wantina was able to check me in this position and gave me some directions on pushing and did some tweaking, which I learned about after, that helped.  First, she told me (yep this ones TMI!) to push into my hemmeroids.  This finally got me pushing in the right area a d with the right muscles.  I'm sure there is a better way, but that was something I could relate with prior experience and it finally clicked.  Second, she discovered that my cervix wasn't wanting to stretch over Evie's head but instead move down with each contraction.  So she ended up physically pushing it up over Evie's head for several contractions until it would stay put.  Third, she was providing perenium support and stretching to try to keep me from tearing, unfortunately she was unsuccessful but she probably reduced the severity.  The real kicker for effective pushing though was me just making up my mind to get this conquered and get her out, even if it was awkward and I didn't know exactly how to do it best.

Within a half hour of that decision Evie was born.  Crowning was painful, but honestly my hemms hurt more at the time than that I think (the tear must have happened during crowning, at least I don't remember it specifically).  At one point I was able to touch her head, but that didn't give me as much inspiration as I had hoped, more desperation to get her out I think.  I was able to get her head out in the squatting position but she didn't come as easily as she should have after that so Wantina had me go hands and knees so she could assist her the rest of the way.  When she finally came out it was the weirdest gloop, stomach flip type feeling - not painful, but almost nausea inducing. Turns out she had one arm behind her back (yet another reason I struggled with pushing).  Three more pushes once I was on hands and knees and then, at 9:52 a.m. about 17 hours after labor started, they had me sit so I could hold our new baby girl!

My first words were 'It's red!' In reference to her hair which looked very strawberry blonde her first few days of life (I was fully expecting a girl version of Ebenezer, dark hair and carmel skin).  Chris had tears in his eyes as he studied our newsest little one.  I sat on the floor rubbing her back to help her finish getting the fluid out of her lungs while she took her first breaths and we waited on placenta.  Laura Jean kept marveling over her umbilical cord, apparently it was really healthy looking?  I didn't have anything to compare to but she was really impressed.  Once the cord stopped pulsing and the placenta delivered they helped Chris cut the cord and moved me up to the bed.

Evie and I snuggling, you can see her slight 'cone head'.

My memory gets blurred here, so please bear with me :)

Evie came to bed with me and we got some good skin to skin time while I tried to get her to nurse.  She wasn't super interested immediately, and instead just rested.  I got really cold and shaky for a little while and they said it was the shock to my system of her being delivered combined with me needing to eat (I really didn't eat during labor at all, not because I couldn't, but because I didn't really want to, which surprised me), so they quickly got me a sandwich and started giving me chlorophyll (helps your body build blood quickly).  Sometime in here Wantina stitched me up and Chris and Laura Jean took Evie to clean her up and weigh/measure/footprint her.  Wantina numbed me really well so stitching only hurt a little.  I had a first degree tear that went slightly deeper towards the back.  We put my aptly named pad sickles and arnica on quickly to help with swelling.

Weighing Evie.

Again not good with timing, I got sat up, cleaned up some and to the bathroom at some point (all slowly to be sure I wasn't going to pass out), though it took me a couple trips before I could empty my bladder.  Once I had Evie back she finally successfully nursed for about ten minutes and then fell asleep again.  Chris and I took a little nap before he went to get Ebenezer and the rest of the family.  

It was almost 2 (?) when Chris helped me get dressed and settled in the chair before he went to get Ebenezer.  He was, and has been the sweetest big brother I could have imagined!  He studied and touched her while standing by my chair at first and soon he wanted to sit with Mommy too.  So with Daddy's help he got in my lap.  He just smiled and studied her and cuddled with me and we talked about what a good big brother he was - you've never seen a prouder boy!

About 20 minutes later my immediate family arrived and we got to introduce them to our new baby girl!  I wish I'd gotten pictures and more of them were able to hold her (but that's another post), but we have been able to make up for that since then :)

Soon everyone went home and it was time to start a new chapter in life as a family of four, and take another good nap!

Birth Story Part 4: The Wait

*Disclaimer*  This post, and subsequent ones, will probably contain quite a bit of TMI and be quite long.  Feel free to skip to cute baby pictures if you're concerned about knowing me a little too well at the end :)  I am including quite a few details both for my memory and for those who might consider a Homebirth.  Obviously, every birth, momma, midwife and situation is unique.  Please don't substitute my opinion or experience for your own researched judgement.

Evie's due date came... And went, with no baby. We had some action, I had contractions almost daily since 36 weeks and at 39 weeks I had 3 hours that seemed like it might be the real thing, but wasn't.  To say I was anxious might be the biggest understatement if the century.  

We scheduled an unltrasound and NST with Clark for 41 weeks, hoping the whole time not to have to go.  We had the induction talk at that point and I was pleased to find out that not only did I have an alternate option for induction (a balloon catheter that physically dilates your cervix) but they were willing to try small amounts of pitocin if needed to start or augment labor.  Since I didn't want to schedule an induction until I absolutely had to they scheduled another NST for Monday (12 days past due date).  During my appointment with Wantina the next day (8 days past due date) we started talking natural induction methods.

She likes to wait until 41 weeks to start natural induction just to give Mommas bodies every chance she can to go into labor on their own while still having enough time margin to augment.  Well, now I was 41 weeks and ready to start trying anything to get Evie to come before 42 weeks.  Wantina left me one of her huge midwifery guides along with herbs and the command to study the induction section so I would have full understanding of what I was trying and what it was supposed to do for my labor.  This book was crazy huge (and it was volume 2!) so it was good I found it interesting!  The section on induction was about 11 pages and after double checking with Wantina I started herbs on Friday (9 days past and counting) and waited... And waited... And waited all weekend with no real change.  Longest. Weekend. Of. My. Life.

 I should mention that during this time after the last bout of serious contractions I had not been feeling pressure like before and when Wantina checked me for dilation (and hoping to strip membranes) we found that while my cervix was ripe Evie wasn't engaged or putting any pressure on it.  Evie also seemed to be stuck in a posterior (sunny side up) position - not good for labor and probably why I wasn't progressing. Wantina recommended I see my chiropractor to see if he could help us get her to turn, and in the mean time spend lots of time bouncing on the birthing ball, walking, squatting, crawling around hands and knees and making love of possible.

In spite of doing all the above, our second NST rolled around on Monday (12 days past due) and still no action.  While Evie passed her stress test just fine, I left with a heavy heart.  The CNM checked me for dilation, both of us hoping to strip membranes, only to find there was no progress.  Evie was still 'floating' and I was not dilated.  She recommended inducing Wednesday (exactly 14 days past due - the longest most doctors let you wait), we asked for one more day so Chris could keep his internship appointment.  She agreed, as long as we had one more NST at the 42 week mark.

I began praying as never before, both for this delivery to go differently and for peace during the wait and no matter the outcome.

I was finally able to see Dr. Grome that evening.  He showed me how to do the Thompson breech technique, which is used to help babies in any unfavorable position.  Basically you are putting pressure on different points to encourage baby to shift position (Dr. Grome described it as baby is too comfortable and we want them to get uncomfortable in the wrong position so they will get in the right one).  He performed it in me a couple times and I showed Chris how to do it once more before bed.  

We the breech technique again the next morning (Tuesday, 13 days past due) before Wantina came to check on me and... It worked!!!  When she checked me Evie was engaged and she could get her finger through my cervix (1 cm dilated)!  Since I was pretty desperate to get things going she left me a bottle of caster oil to try, which had just worked for another of her Mommas over the weekend. She recommended blending it in a milkshake to get it down easier, milkshake was preferable over OJ since it didn't burn on the way out :/  As soon as Chris got back with one from Shell (I like the ones I make at home and didn't want to form a food aversion to them!) I blended it up and chugged it.  (Note to self - a small or medium would have worked to cover taste / texture, large was almost too much to drink.)  

That was about 1:00 in the afternoon... About three the diarrhea started... About five contractions started... And they got close together... And a little stronger... And they didn't stop! 

Birth Story Part 3: Prenatal Care

*Disclaimer*  This post, and subsequent ones, will probably contain quite a bit of TMI and be quite long.  Feel free to skip to cute baby pictures if you're concerned about knowing me a little too well at the end :)  I am including quite a few details both for my memory and for those who might consider a Homebirth.  Obviously, every birth, momma, midwife and situation is unique.  Please don't substitute my opinion or experience for your own researched judgement.

I probably broke records for the number of prenatal visits during a healthy pregnancy!  Since I wanted to keep the doors open to me at Clark Memorial I maintained the remainder of my traditional appointments there AND I had Wantina visiting our home more often than she normally might have, so she could get to know me and our new little one in somewhat of a time crunch (we didn't commit to a Homebirth until I was about 28 weeks along).

I'm not sure what I expected from these visits but I was pleasantly surprised at how thorough they were.  She went through standard checks like blood pressure and weight, she even brought strips for to check my urine (these were super broad range and covered more than the ones used in the doctor office, which I've learned really only check for protein).  In addition she asked about my energy, emotions, sleep, how my older one was doing, exercise, vitamins, water and diet.  She made several suggestions for diet changes and exercises to help me prep for labor and keep Evie in the best position possible (back out, head down).  She was super excited to see Standard Process already on our cabinet (the brand of supplements Dr.Grome gives us) and to find out we already use raw milk, kefir and as much organic as we can afford.  I was thrilled she not only knew about these things but also supported and endorsed them (not freak out like so many others in her position).  The more she came the more we discovered we were really a pretty good fit.

We went almost straight into weekly appointments and quickly compiled our list of birth day needs and ordered a complete birth kit from a supplier she recommends (only about 90$!).  At week 38 she had me start using Borage oils capsules in my birth canal to encourage my cervix to ripen (Borage oil contains natural prostigladins similar to semen).

We felt confident that we were doing everything we could to help Evie come on her own - all that was left was the waiting...

Birth Story Part 2: The Search

*Disclaimer*  This post, and subsequent ones, will probably contain quite a bit of TMI and be quite long.  Feel free to skip to cute baby pictures if you're concerned about knowing me a little too well at the end :)  I am including quite a few details both for my memory and for those who might consider a Homebirth.  Obviously, every birth, momma, midwife and situation is unique.  Please don't substitute my opinion or experience for your own researched judgement.

Realizing my fear of the hospital sent me searching for the only other option available in our area, a Homebirth.  I would have considered a birthing center, but there isn't one within two hours of us.  So I started searching tge web and seeking out others who had homebirths to pick their brain and get encouragement.

First I checked out what kind of certification most Homebirth midwives carried.  I found that some didn't ever get certified, some were CNMs (certified nurse midwives, like what we were working with in the hospital), but most were LPMs (liscensed professional midwives).  Obviously it would be great to get a CNM, but most of those who practice outside of the hospital are on the west coast, so the next best option (the most common and also still a great option) was a LPN.  Liscensed Professionals Midwives go through national certification which requires them to attend over 100 births, progressively taking on more and more responsibility for each Momma's care.  They are supervised and advised by an alradeay liscensed midwife, have additional studies they have to complete along with a standardized test.  Most of these ladies also take doula and lactation training during this time.

I found a website listing doulas and LPM's in our state, but most of them were 2 hours or more away from us (again, we really do live in the boonies).  I was really hoping for someone closer but started contacting these folks in the mean time.  During this search I met up with our chiropractor's wife, who has had several homebirths, to pick her brain and hear her experiences (Dr. Grome was also shredding my scar tissue from the section during this, so my memory is a little fuzzy on convo details!).  They recommended Melanie, a midwife they knew and trusted.  I excitedly called her only to find out that she was trying to take July off (when I was due) :( she was super encouraging and recommended another, more experienced, midwife who actually only lives 20 minutes away.  She promised that if I didn't feel comfortable with her for some reason she would find a way to work me in.

This is how we finally found our way to Wantina.  In the course of our first interview we learned that she is a LPM and started the linsence process right out of high school.  She has since then 'caught' over 700 babies.  She did a great job answering our plethora of questions that first day, and the many more that came in the days and meetings to follow - including some hard ones suggested by my Mom such as have you lost any Mommas or babies (she hasn't lost any Moms by the way and only delivered two still births, both babies had fatal defects).  What sold us on Wantina was we felt she had enough experience to know if something was going wrong, AND were that the case she was going to get us to the hospital and the care necessary in a timely manner - not pressure for a Homebirth 'No Matter What'.

While we had finally decided this was what we wanted to try, a slight hangup was that we still wanted our orriginal hospital as a backup in case I needed induced or something didn't go as planned.  The difficulty was planned Homebirths haven't been possible legally in Indiana until just this year.  Although the laws states a Indiana licensed midwife can administer a Homebirth, there has not been a way to get liscensed until this year.  As such, if the hospital administrator finds out you are planning one they will kick you out of the practice.  Even if your doctor or midwife might be okay with you having a Homebirth (which mine was when I got the gumption to tell her what I was considering), the administrators are so concerned about liability they don't want any connection with one.  Since the law just changed this shouldn't have been a concern, BUT, because this is a transition time and policies are still changing, we didn't want the hospital administrator to find out because they could technically still kick us out until the actual hospital policies were changed.

So now we had a midwife and the beginnings of a plan, and really only a few weeks to go before the main event since we waited so long to switch.  We also had a lot of appointments ahead of us!

Birth Story Part 1 - Setting the Stage

*Disclaimer*  This post, and subsequent ones, will probably contain quite a bit of TMI and be quite long.  I am including quite a few details both for my memory and for those who might consider a Homebirth.  Obviously, every birth, momma, midwife and situation is unique.  Please don't substitute my opinion or experience for your own researched judgement.

Setting The Stage:

As you know I was desperately hoping for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian) this time around.  While this came with a slightly higher chance of hemmoraging, I still felt like it would be better on my body than major surgery (another c-section), it would give us the most options for family size in the future (hypothetically there are a limited number of c-sections your body can handle), and psychologically I felt like I had left something unfinished, like I still needed to heal and somehow succeeding at this (or at least giving it my best go) would help me with that healing process. 

 I know it's silly because of all the variables involved, but I felt like I had somehow failed during Ebenezer's birth - like my body malfunctioned by not going into spontaneous labor and I had been too weak to assert the things I knew I needed.  I know the variables are too numerous to say for sure that changing those things would have meant a vaginal delivery, but they haunted me none the less.

I also keenly felt the pressure of the fact that this was my last shot at a natural delivery.  No ethical doctor or midwife will allow a mom to attempt a second VBAC if she has never had a successful vaginal delivery.  

I had high hopes for this delivery though. We were with a hospital that has a great natural and VBAC delivery percentage and a great reputation. I liked two of the three CNM's we were working with and they seemed prepared and capable to help me get a natural delivery.  So what changed? Why did I seek out something different?

Getting my Rogham shot (circumventing any complications from a mom with a negative blood type having a baby with potentially positive blood type - like me) changed that.  Going through the hoops this hospital required to get one shot (seriously, four hours folks, and part of it was unnecessary in my mind because they insists on checking my blood type even though my records stated I was negative and needed Rogham with Eb) reminded me forcefully that even though we had good intentions and a good team, we were still in a hospital and bound to their rules if any aspect of labor strayed outside their parameters.

... And it almost gave me a panic attack being back in that setting.  It reminded me of all those feelings of fear, helplessness and frustration I had during Eb's birth.  It made me afraid I would freeze during labor, or that my own emotions would cause delays or complications.  It made me realize how terrified of the hospital I had become.

So we seriously started researching an option we only considered before on passing - a Homebirth.

She's Here!!!

At 9:52 a.m. we welcomed Evelyn Hope into the world!  She is 9 lb. 8 oz., 21 3/4 inches of fair (with red!) headed beauty!  Welcome to the family baby girl!

Baby steps to becoming a big helper!

I was just marveling to Chris how much easier caring for Eb has become lately.  I know this hasn’t happened overnight, but the realization was exciting!  Chris and I have always talked about how we want our children to be contributors to our family, to feel like they are needed, not just consumers.  As such I try to be conscious about opportunities to involve Eb where I can.  For obvious reasons that involvement has been almost non-existent, until recently!  There are lots of ways he has taken baby steps, sometimes literally, to becoming a contributor in the family – some of which aren’t obvious at first.

Eb is completely switched to table food now and can (mostly) feed himself.  This has saved me lots of time in making baby food and made meal time a more enjoyable family event.  We can now eat together instead of in shifts as we take turns feeding Eb!

He loves to ‘help’ with the laundry and dishes!  Obviously he’s not actually washing dishes, but my Papaw once pointed out its better to teach kids when they are interested and willing – even if it means a little more work for you – than to wait until they no longer want to be involved.  So following that advice, Eb rinses spoons, measuring cups, plastic cows and other safe objects before they go into the wash water.  For him its just fun wet play right now, but I know this is the prelude to him really helping down the road.

He also loves to sort and help me fold laundry by bringing me articles of clothes (or throwing them on the floor!), and he especially loves riding to the laundry room in the basket!

Now that he can walk and take basic instructions he has also started carrying things to the car for me. How cool is that?!?! He has gone from being the one I need to carry to helping me carry things! Granted I keep it within reason, his lunch box or even just his sippy or a toy, as long as he has something almost every time we go back and forth I’m happy.  I feel like this is both helping him feel involved (he loves the praise) and teaching him a bit of chivalry at the same time (boys should help girls carry things, even if the girl is their Momma) before he has any clue what chivalry means – that’s how something becomes second nature, right?  You’ve just always made a practice of it.  

He also loves helping me gather the things needed to go outside – because of course that means he gets to go out!  He fetches his shoes and hat and knows the difference between my shoes and Chris’, he even brings them when we haven’t said anything about going out just in case its an option!

Before you ask, no, I don’t think of him as a pet I am training, nor do I think of him as my little (current or future) slave.  Training is something we all do and need, especially little people who are just learning to navigate life.  By training and directing early and at a level he can grasp, life will be much easier for him and our whole family down the road.  Isn’t life (your job, school, or interactions with other, even driving on the road) easier and better when you know the expectation and boundaries?  That’s what we are doing for our son.  Showing him the expectations and boundaries of operating in our home and family, with the hope that we are equipping him to succeed once he leaves our home too.

I love this new stage of life!  Because of the reasons above and a dozen others I can see my little man growing up, and I couldn’t be more proud!  Yes I’m a little sad at how quickly this has come, but his independence has actually grown my affection for him rather than decreased it.  We are growing in our relationship and he is able to reciprocate the love I’ve been pouring into him all this time.  It’s a little intimidating thinking about starting all over with Evie, but I am hopeful the lessons and discipline I have learned from training Eb will help me to be equipped and faithful with her and however many more blessings are sent our way!

"Hey Mom, this is kinda fun!"

"Gasp! Did those words just come out of my mouth!?!"

Helping Daddy

Ebenezer LOVES helping Daddy with projects!  Chris is great about finding creative jobs for him to do so they can work alongside each other.  When they were assembling Evie's new crib (a huge blessing!  White, drop-side,  beautiful and FREE!) Eb kept track of wrenches and bolts, and even tried putting a few together for Chris!  It fills my heart to bursting to see my boys working together!

What is a man?

Thanks to the efforts of hyper-feminism our culture is in an identity crisis. We are no longer sure the meaning of one of every individual's most basic traits, their gender. I was recently corrected when I expressed excitement over the upcoming discover of our new baby's gender. Gender, I was told, wasn't determined for most people until they reached their teens years. I must have meant sex, not gender. For, you see, sex is merely the physical anatomy we are born with, gender is those traits associated with masculinity or femininity - which do not necessarily correspond with sex in our culture.

This has resulted in a generation of man-cubs. Adult males who do not have a clue what it means to be a real man. They are content to allow their parents to care for them well into adulthood, afraid of commitment and responsibility, afraid to express masculinity lest they be accused of being a chauvinistic pig, directionless, ambition deficit, and general still acting like boys. Not men. These man-cubs have been told all those things we used to associate with manhood (supporting a family, taking responsibility, caring for women and those weaker than them) are not only outdated but oppressive and dangerous. But while we don't want you to be a man we really don't want you to be a woman either. What's a guy to do? Ask his Dad?

The fathers of many of these young men saw their responsibility primarily as one of provision. They were under the impression if they kept food on the table, a roof over head and paid for a decent education their job was complete. They missed mentoring their sons about responsibility, how to care for others, how to treat women, taking pride in the quality of their work, integrity and self control. Some of these Dads even saw their families as a burden, an obstical they had to overcome to achieve what they really wanted, time on the golf course, a boat, vacation or that new car. This may have been unconscious but manifests itself in how they choose to spend the majority of their time in retirement. Are they continuing to invest in their family? Or are they constantly gone, keeping busy with the next great entertainment?

So, as a young man trying to go against feminist society, but without support from his father, how do you learn to raise your own son into manhood? And what does manhood even mean? How do you even become a man? Is it a certain age? A certain act or accomplishment?

Searching scripture will answer many of these questions of what qualities a man should have. While it may be difficult to convey and teach these without experiencing such teaching first hand, at least there is a blueprint of God's original plan.

But how about that transition into manhood? What does that look like? That has been a recent question in our Bible study where all of the families have boys. In answer we are working our way through the book Boy's Passage, Man's Journey by Brian Moliter. This book sources one of the struggles of young men's identity in not having a defining moment they can point to as the day they became a man. In our culture where manhood is devalued it is naturally not something we celebrate or a passage we would acknowledge. While addressing other needs including lifelong mentoring and words of blessing, Moliter suggests reintroducing rights of passage into our you g men's lives. A time they can remember and identify as their transition from boyhood to manhood. An event that confirms this boy has what it takes, a challenge to live up to.

In the next few weeks I'd like to share what we are learning, what we think is legitimate, what needs corrected and ultimately what, if anything, we hope to apply in our family. Chris and I are excited about this study and hope it will bolster and flesh out many ideas we have discussed about parenting a son. I hope you enjoy joining us for the journey!

Teething Survival Kit

Poor Eb is trying to get six new teeth all at once! It started two weeks ago with all four molars. Then yesterday I noticed the ones on either side of his bottom two incisors were white and swollen! Poor buddy, he's been miserable. When he is active and rested its not as bad, he just drools a lot and randomly has hands in his mouth - but when he starts getting sleepy, whew watch out! He just doesn't know what he wants and he gets very "smooshy" (snuggly and needing lots of comfort/attention). Going to Mom's during part of our day is a great distraction since Eb loves his aunts and uncles, and it provides me with a glorious break!

We have needed to use more 'drugs' this round of teething than last time, but the most he's ever broke before was two! Nap time can usually be accomplished with just a dose of teething tablets, teething gel and oral gel. Bedtime requires the big guns though, that's when we break out the Tylenol and pair it with oral gel. Early on we had to give him a second dose during the night, but we finally were able to move away from that this week. The teething necklace is just for the day time - when we remember to put it on :/ Chris discovered a new soother last night - ice cubes! It works great, at least until Eb's hands get cold and he asks us to hold it!

Cloth is Cool!

A happily cloth diapered boy!

Before Ebenezer was born we decided we wanted to use cloth diapers for most of his diapers needs.  So I set of on the mission to decide what kind of cloth diapers would be best for us.  I knew of two kinds thanks to some of our friends who were using them and started my search there – little did I know how many options are out there!  

I highly recommend checking out Kelly’s Closet if you ever consider cloth diapering.  They have all different kinds of diapers and great explanations for all of them, alogn with advice and trouble shooting for folks who are new to the practice (like us!).  We ultimately went with the ‘Flip’ diapering system because I thought it sounded like the least laundry and most flexible system.  Hypothetically it would take us from a month or so after birth (they recommended he weigh 10 pounds before starting) to potty training.  This system uses an old fashioned, pre-fold cloth diaper (the kind that first pops in your head when you hear ‘cloth diaper’) that is folded and stuffed into a water proof cover.  The end result looks and works very similar to a disposable cloth diaper, but it uses snaps instead of sticky tabs.  I liked this system because you line the cover with the pre-fold and if the diaper is only wet when it’s time to change you can simply wipe out the cover and reuse it with a fresh pre-fold.  Doing this cuts down on the amount of laundry you need to do every round as compared to all-in-one (absorbent layer is sewn into water proof cover) or tunnel diapers (there is a cloth tunnel in the cover that you stuff with extra cloth) where the whole thing needs washed every change.  It also cuts down on the number of pieces that need assembled like in the G-diapers.

These cover have LOTS of snaps that allow you to adjust them to quite small and expand the for a bigger baby.  To adjust the stuffing you just change the way you fold the pre-fold.  These really should work for a normal baby for the time span advertised… what we didn’t count on was having a goliath of a son who might out-grow these diapers well before potty training is even considered!

The empty shell stretched out.

These snaps adjust the rise, allowing for different lengths and thigh sizes.

This is the rise snaps where he needs them now.  Top snaps adjust waist.

These are the Organic cotton pre-folds.

They give you two different lengths depending on how you fold them.

Flaps om the inside of the diaper help hold insert in place.

The microfiber inserts sometimes leak on us...

Now that we are in the thick of it I think I would have preferred another option very similar to the one we currently have which combines ‘fitteds’ and water proof covers.  ‘Fitteds’ would replace the pre-folds in my existing system, the difference is they also have snaps and fit around the baby like a disposable would, they’re just not water proof so they would need to be used in conjunction with a cover.  If we had went this route, we could still reuse the covers like in the ‘Flip’ system, but I think they would be a little easier to use since you wouldn’t be fighting to keep the absorbent part in place while getting the diaper on your little wriggler!  They would also completely prevent the occasion leaks we have experienced due to misplacement of the pre-fold.  I have recently purchased a few of these and am looking forward to their arrival since I am hoping they will extend the period of time we can cloth diaper Eb (in the event he out-grows the current diaper as soon as I fear).

I honestly should have gotten a sample pack of some kind to try before committing to and investing in a single method… but I was in a hurry and thought I could learn enough through my research.  Live and learn, right?

Aside from these small issues we are very pleased with the cloth diapers.  They wash well and the covers are wiping clean as we hoped.  They are also holding in poops that were starting to explode out of the disposables!  Since it is not as easy to tell when he is wet it has taken some retraining to change him more often than I would with disposables – but if he’s dry the diaper just goes back on!  I have been disappointed with their terry insert.  It is trimmer than the traditional pre-fold, and supposed to be just as absorbent, but every time I have had a leak with my cloth dipes it has been with this insert.  I don’t think they are necessarily less absorbent, they just aren’t as wide as the pre-folds, thereby exposing more room for the urine to run before soaking in.  Ultimately that is okay since those are not organic and my pre-folds are (which I’m quite excited about!) so if one couldn’t work I’d prefer it the way it is.

I’m sure several of you are thinking ‘sure, cloth is fine and dandy with a wet, but I’m not touching those dirties!’ – admit it, I know you were thinking it because I was too!  Honestly dirties haven’t been as bad as I feared for two reasons – 1.) Eb doesn’t do number two as often now and 2.) my handy, dandy diaper sprayer!

I use the diaper sprayer, which is attached to the toilet, to spray out the solids.  This helps prevent staining and keeps most of the nasties out of the washing machine.

While we are going to probably need to find something different before potty training just because Eb is growing so fast, I am still super pleased with our choice to go cloth!