As you might have guessed from my recent prolonged absence, it has been a terribly hectic season of life. I (and vicariously Chris, Eb and the cat) have gone through a lot of stress trying to accomplish everything on my adviser's, my teacher's, my committee's and my to-do lists before our newest little man comes into the world. It has been awful. There have been tears, exhaustion, a couple of nights writing to 3 in the morning (not a good thing to do when you are pregnant and already prone to exhaustion), disappointment at not receiving the acknowledgement expected for all of this work, some sadness at not being able to travel to be with the rest of my family for Christmas (which also means NO possibility of seeing snow) and currently discouragement at not yet having all of the school stuff finished up so I can focus on my own little family. All this accumulated emotion and negativity (which I had been doing a good job pushing under the rug in my heart) came gushing out in my poor husband's arms this morning at the prospect of processing more peach samples. After some discussion we decided it was best to stay home and rest today - the peaches will just have to wait.
Why do I tell you this? No, it's not for your pity, or to depress you, but simply to be honest with you, and myself. Following the Lord isn't always pretty - but it is usually our own doing that makes it so difficult. Our own selfish wills that seek the broad, comfortable roads to walk down. I certainly feel entitled to a comfortable life - but no one ever promised that. My heart frequently needs to hear this truth, and maybe yours does on occasion too.
I have really been questioning if this whole coming-to-Florida-and-having-a-baby-while-getting-a-PhD-thing was/is a huge mistake. I have honestly been wanting to run away. I have felt cheated and frustrated that all of this is so hard. But who am I frustrated at? Who's will would I be running away from? Who am I questioning? The answer to all of those is the Lord. Who am I to question His plans and intentions for my life? He led us here, He opened the doors to where we are and has provided in generous and miraculous ways for our needs along the way. Has He ever let us go hungry? Has He ever let us go without a roof over our heads? Has He ever left us alone? The answer to all of these is a resounding 'NO'. He has blessed us over and over again, with a loving church family, physical provision, a wonderful and healthy pregnancy, He has maintained our health through ridiculous circumstances and surrounded us with loving family and friends. Even if He hadn't done all these things - what right would I have to be mad at Him? He didn't promise that this season would be easy, He didn't promise a PhD and lots of rest, He didn't promise to give me all the time I want with my family and friends and He definitely didn't promise that I would get to see snow every Christmas.
He did promise that He is in control (Psalm 62:11-12, Psalm 24, Job 38-41). He did promise that He has good plans for me and my family (Jer. 29:11-13, Pro. 3:5-7). He did promise that He would not send me somewhere He is not willing to go as well (Psalm 23) - that He will never leave me alone or forsake me (Isa. 41:10-11). He did promise that He will never give us more than we can handle (1 Cor. 10:130, Rom. 5:3-5). He did promise that if I follow His will, His name will receive glory. What higher calling is there than being a vessel that carries glory to our Lord (2 Cor. 4:16-18)?
What has He asked of me in return? Simply to obey. Even when I don't understand how this is useful, even when it is hard, even when I don't get the approval from people that I so desperately want, even when it seems financially difficult - or even impossible, even if it means doing something other people consider foolish (like having a baby right now), He just wants me to obey. And He promised that through my obedience He will receive glory - through my obedience He can use me. In the process He will draw me ever closer to Him, remake me ever more in His likeness - but He never promised that killing 'the old man' would be easy. Just that He would be with me during the process and that He is in control. What more can I really ask for than that?
praying for you friend! thanks for your honesty!
ReplyDelete