Time for a change...

When I got pregnant I really thought I could finish the PhD.  I only would have two year left and only two classes, so most of that time would be research and writing - shouldn't be a problem, right?  Well that plan hinged heavily on me being able to have Eb with me most of the time.  I knew I couldn't have him in the lab because of policy and chemicals, but I thought I could have him in the field with me.  Over the last few weeks it has become apparent that isn't technically allowed, and my adviser is not okay with it.  

So a cross road presented itself to us.  Start pumping and seek 'alternative care' for Ebenezer so I can spend the amount of time I would need to in the field and Chris can do his internship or... quit.  It wasn't quite that straight forward at first, but that is what it came down to.  

Chris and I have always felt passionately that it is our responsibility from God to train and raise our children - personally.  We don't feel like we can fulfill that responsibility by placing our children under the care and authority of others.  So daycare was out of the question, even if we could afford it.  Chris needs to continue on to his internship if he is to graduate in a timely manner, so he would not be available for the amount of time I would need to be occupied.

So, we decided it was time to quit.

This isn't as traumatic for me as you might think.  It has actually been an extreme relief.  I have felt torn between the full time responsibility of the PhD and the full time responsibility of being a Mom and wife since I knew I was pregnant.  There has been tension between these two for months and it multiplied exponentially after Eb was born.  I wasn't keeping up with my one class and I wasn't getting the necessities done with the project.  What little I was doing took time away from Eb that I didn't want to give, and the whole aura of the PhD tainted the time I did have with him with stress and guilt.  I was beyond tired of that tension, and quite honestly my loyalties had moved from this program to Ebenezer long before I saw his face.

Some things that have further eased this decision are the conditions I came here under, the assumption I have always tried to have about the PhD and some things that just didn't go as planned with the project.  This was a job to me, not something that I had to, or really wanted to, commit my whole life to.  It was a blessing that God provided a way to provide for us that I found very interesting and gave Chris the time he needed to work on his Masters.  I have always held it loosely while still trying to do an excellent job.  I planned to complete it if nothing better came along - fortunately for me something better has come along! Some things in my project haven't gone as planned which has kept me from being as endeared to it as I could have been - I came on the assumption that I would at least be able to incorporate organic research into this and was never able to.  Additionally, the load continues to get heavier and heavier as my adviser added things that were of interest to her and chucked my interests out the window.  Finally, as you all know, my dream has always been to be a wife and Mom, and Chris and I agreed if the PhD interfered with that, it was disposable.

Now that there is a conflict between the two the time has come to cut our losses and dispose of what isn't necessary - me becoming a doctor.

I had a lot of fear in this decision (Surprised?).  Not for my personal goals or desires, I am thrilled that I finally get my heart's desire!  No my fear involved much more tangible things, anger from my adviser, disapproval and misunderstanding from other and finances.  There was the possibility that I would have to pay back all of the aid I had received so far (well over $60,000 including tuition waivers).  But God has been faithful and tangibly confirmed to us that this is a good path (why am I surprised?)!  Not only will I not have to pay anything back (except loans of course) but I will continue to get paid to the end of term, with less responsibility, my adviser took the news beautifully, so has everyone else, we already have a place lined up to live back in Indiana and Chris found a new internship within a week of calling around!

While I am going to miss the church family and friends we have made here, I am beyond excited to move back to familiar ground and start this new chapter of life!  

Already Two Months Old!

When Eb was first born, six weeks and the changes promised at that time seemed so far away and 12 weeks seemed impossible - but here we are, ten weeks later!  It has been an eventful month for Ebenezer, he now smiles every day (and melts his Mommy and Daddy's hearts every time!), has excellent focus on things that are in his line of site, is trying really hard to reach out and grab things (but right now the best he can do is bat at things within reach), pulls his hands to his mouth and chews on them, tries to grab his toes during diaper changes, tries to use his tummy muscles to pull himself into a sitting position, has short (adorable) 'conversations' with Mommy and Daddy, is growing more hair back (still has a bit of the 'old man ring' though), started drooling and sleeps at least six hours most nights and up to nine on occasion!

At his two Month appointment on Monday (3/26 - 9 weeks old) Eb weighed 16 lbs 1 oz (99th percentile for weight) and was 25 inches long (96th percentile)!  It was time to start making decisions about his vaccinations, but since we will be moving soon we have decided to wait until we are settled before starting any vaccines.  If possible our baby boy continues to wrap himself tighter around our heartstrings!  We could not be more grateful for every moment we get with him!

Here are some pictures from the last month or so - we have a ton, but of course they don't all fit!

Learning how to use the moby wrap!

Loving on Daddy! (2/15/2012)

Sleepy mornings...

We get pretty creative if it means keeping him asleep!

2/25/2012

Growing (3/9/2012)

Not too sure about this Mom...

Oh, there's Dad! Maybe this isn't so bad.

First Sunday at church! (3/11/2012)

"Why is there a cat on my foot?"

More morning snuggles!

How charming can you get?!? (3/14/2012)

Two Months! (3/20/2012)

Hanging with Uncle!

Loving on Grandma! (3/24/2012)

Learning how to play from the pros!

Eb likes napping in the big bed!

10 weeks! (3/20/2012)

Pandora still wants to be the baby!

Hopefully I can do a better job keeping up this next month!  Goal: More pictures!

Breastfeeding: The Good, The Bad, and The Milky - The LactationConsultant

Introducing your new breast friend! Nope, that's not a typo, it's me trying to be clever ;)

I had heard over and over how helpful a lactation consultant could be, but with all the research and nosing I had done I didn't think I was going to need too much help. Boy was I wrong.

The second day after Eb was born I was already sore on one side. The sweet consultant who came to visit helped me get a better latch and encouraged me to take Eb off and start over until he was on right. She said improper latch was the biggest cause of Moms giving up. Without proper latch Moms end up with blisters (yep), cracks (ditto) and very painful nipples (that's me!). I had been bracing myself for a very painful experience, but once Eb was latched right it didn't hurt, and the consultant said if it did hurt something was probably wrong with your latch.

Once we had that figured out I didn't think I'd be seeing the lactation consultant again... I was wrong.

Along about 2-3 weeks I came down with mastitis (more on that to come!). At first I didn't know what was going on and was afraid I was getting the flu, but I was also having a lot of pain on one side all of the time and, in spite of trying to do everything right, I had sore nipples again - to the point of being tempted to give up.  At Chris' urging I called the consultant and explained my symptoms.  She confirmed that it sounded like mastitis and to call my practitioner for an antibiotic.  After a few more questions she quickly discovered why I probably got mastitis and that my other symptoms (and Eb's frequent gas) were probably all connected and easily fixed by correcting some nursing issues.

Basically, once my milk came in (about 4-5 days after Eb was born) I was really full!  This made it difficult for Eb to latch properly and in the process of trying he was injuring my nipple.  That injury probably led to the infection and mastitis.  Not only was this extra fullness causing a painful shallow latch, it also meant the Eb was getting full on fore-milk and not getting to the hind-milk (apparently your milk changes as the baby nurses, starting out more watery and getting a higher fat content toward the end).  Fore-milk is digested fasted and has a higher lactose content than hind-milk and can cause a lot of painful gas for the baby if that's all he is getting.  Apparently all of this is common and referred to as 'oversupply', and is fixed through several methods.  One is pumping off some of the fore-milk before feeding baby so that its easier for him to latch and he gets to the hind-milk faster.  Second is putting him back to the same side until it is all the way empty.  I had been switching at every feeding and not letting him fully empty either side.  Finally she told me about a concoction that I could use on my nipples to help speed healing and that was safe for Eb (mix one part neosporin, cortisone cream and miconazole on your finger and apply it after every feeding).  After doing this for a week or so nipples were healed, mastitis was gone and Eb had much less gas!  All those benefits from just one phone call!!!

Moral of the story - call that wonderful lactation consultant as soon as you have a bump in the nursing road!  Even if you think you can tough it out, chances are you don't have to - most problems have a simple fix and talking to someone more experienced can help you find that fix!

You might be a Momma if....

... You voluntarily sit in the same position on the couch with an increasingly heavy boy on your chest for three hours because you are afraid moving him to the bed will wake him and you know he desperately needs the nap...

You Might be a Momma If...

No matter how tired, sick, or grumpy you feel - no matter how tough your day has been - no matter how little laundry you finished or how messy the house is - one smile from that little person instantly wipes all that from you mind and fills you with such joy that coos and silly expressions of delight overflow!

The Dreaded Blue Bulb of Boogers!

A story in which I personally grasp the meaning of "Mommy Guilt".

A few days before Eb turned six weeks I noticed he had a hair in his eye and his eye looked a little irritated.  The hair came out on its own, but his eye stayed irritated.

We decided to take him to the pediatrician just to be safe and discovered my silent concern was true - Eb had pink eye. We have no idea how he got it but the pediatrician assured us it wasn't our fault, pink eye is just super contagious and we could have brought it home from anywhere. Fortunately it's easily treatable with eye drops, even though Eb doesn't like them much it's not too bad. One problem down, should be enough for the week, right?

Of course not.

A sniffle that started on Friday turned into congestion so bad Eb had trouble breathing on Sunday (apparently Mom was right when she said all the excited things happen after the doctor's office is closed!). We took him into the pediatric emergency and were pleasantly surprised to find our doctor on call. Of course, as also often happens, Eb's nose was much improved by that point, but our doc gave me the courtesy of believing me anyway. He said because Eb was still so young we shouldn't give him any med. if we can avoid it an d his congestion should be easily cleared with saline drops.

Saline drops sound innocent enough, right? I thought giving him eye drops made me have Mommy guilt, welcome to a whole new dimension!

We had to hold his little head tilted back and put these drops next to his nose so he would breathe them in and then swallow them. Talk about awful. Naturally he screams like crazy and I almost cry every time for fear that we will drown him. So for seven days our poor little man was getting all kinds of medical intervention from his terrified, remorseful parents. Fortunately the drops worked quickly in clearing up the congestion and we were able to go from using them three times per day to once a day about half way through the week.

I'm not sure who had the harder week, Eb who had to receive the treatments, me dealing with all kinds of Mommy guilt and fear, or Chris who had to deal with and comfort both of us!

Off to church we go!

Eb finally got to go to church for the first time today!  He looks like such a little man in his button up shirt and blue jeans!

Sadly it took us seven weeks to make it to church, we were going to go last week but Eb had pink-eye and a stopped up nose (more on that sad adventure later...).

He was a great boy and ate through most of the message.  I didn't get to hear much but it was so fun to have our whole new little family at church!

 

You Might be a Momma If...

In my considerably brief experience of motherhood I have found myself doing things that I would have considered silly (at the least), strange (at the best) and gross (at the worst) before Eb was born - but they are now par for the course.

I've decided this would be a fun on going series, since I am continually learning and new things crop up every day! This might be a weekly post... Or just whenever I remember ;)

So, to kick things off...

You might be a Momma if - your son falls asleep on a pillow and you, desperate not to wake him because you need a nap too, rig pillows, blankets and anything else at you service, to secure him... Kind of like this...